Now that Katy Perry is a married woman (read: She will never have sex with anyone who isn’t an overrated effeminate British comedian), she wants you all to know that she is totally amazing at sex. Seriously? Ouch. Sorry straight dudes, but not only will Katy Perry’s cans never be yours, but they’re apparently none too shabby in the sack. Sucks to be you.
“Like Ludacris rapped, ‘I’m a lady in the street and a freak in the bed,'” she told Now magazine. “I can’t rate myself, but if you ask Russell, I’m sure he’d give me a ten out of ten.” SOURCE
Now that’s just being mean, letting straight guys know what they will never have. It’s like baking a batch of delicious chocolate chip cookies and then only sharing them with some asshole who pretty much ran through his goodwill in the space of one month after the release of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Seriously, chocolate chip cookies are a delicious, gooey, gift from God, and you not sharing them is like slapping God in the face. That’s why I love cock.