You know what’s sad? I signed up for Google Alerts on “Sex Tape”. Not because I have any vested personal interest in them, but because I know a good celebrity sex tape can, and will, pay for my rent alone on page views. Seriously, the hits we got on a sex tape by freaking >Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman allowed my boyfriend and I to redo our kitchen. Thank you, kind crazy bad mother. Your finger-doodling got me a sweet ass marble counter.
Anyway, if a weird amalgamation of human tissue and industrial-grade caulking clumsily disguised as a D-list celebrity could get us a new, top-of-the-line oven, then a sex tape from Kanye West should allow me to wall-paper our apartment with freaking gold leaf. Yes, that’s right, according to RadarOnline, Kanye allegedly has a sex tape floating around out there, and it’s the creepiest thing I have ever heard of.
The tape is nearly 20 minutes long and appears to have been shot in a hotel room with an unidentified female who clearly states at the beginning of the video that she’s 18 years old. The woman also confesses to Kanye that she is married and claims, “My husband and I don’t have sex anymore … that’s why I’m here!” With her bodacious curves, dusky skin and long black hair the woman is a definite dead ringer for Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline has seen the tape in full and can verify without a doubt that it is Kanye in the footage and we have published a screen grab.
WHAT THE WHAT TO ALL OF THAT. Okay, I’m like 90% sure that this eighteen-year-old woman is not married, and that her and her husband haven’t hit a dry patch, so I’m going to assume that Kanye created some sort of weird fantasy universe so that he could fantasize about banging Kim Kardashian whilst she was married to Kris Humphries. So yeah, does anyone else feel like this hole Kim and Kanye thing is taking a turn from “annoying” to “pathologically unhealthy?” This is a penis-tuck and a lap dog away from turning into Silence of the Lambs.