Oh gosh … this is too much. Way too much. Look, at first I thought Kim Kardashian‘s fairytale divorce would have inundated me with crazy news, and that would be enough. But nooooooooooo, the gossip gods (not real) have apparently seen fit to dump even more crazy on me, in the form of a paternity lawsuit filed against Justin Bieber by a 20-year-old woman who claims that the tiny, tiny Canadian stuck a maple baby in her lady oven. RadarOnline reports:
In a hand-signed affidavit, sworn under the penalty of perjury, Mariah Yeater wrote that a security guard working for Bieber approached her and “asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber” before whisking her backstage. Mariah claims in her lawsuit, which was filed in a California court on October 31: “After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation.
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”
Mariah also told the court: “After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.” Justin then “quickly took off my clothes,” she said — and the pair had sex.
Bieber’s reps strenuously deny the woman’s claims, but Yeater wrote in her court declaration: “He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”
*Snort* okay, that last part elicited a chuckle from me, I’m not going to lie. Anyway, right now I’m really not sure which side I’m on here. On one hand, Justin is seventeen, and as we all know, all seventeen-year-olds are pervs. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure what I just read was really bad, really disturbing fanfiction, which I’m starting to think was the endgame for this all along. The only way this could have been any more obvious is if Justin was a Hogwarts student who was also a sparkly vampire and the girl was a perfect cat-girl named Mary Sue. (Once again: Hilarious, only if you’re an English major.)