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Justin Bieber: Now charged with assault in Toronto!

Justin Bieber: Now charged with assault in Toronto!
January 30, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

Justin Bieber

Thus far today, we found out that Justin Bieber was high on weed and alprazolam when he was arrested in Florida, and that he was kind of being a jag-off to the cops who pulled him over. So how can it get worse? Oh, I don’t know, maybe he can be charged with assault in Toronto? Yeah, that’s happening now. He’s being charged with assault in Canada. TMZ reports …

Toronto Police have released new details of the Dec. 30 incident … and say the limo driver had picked up 6 passengers around 2:50 AM — including Justin — when a fight broke out between the driver and “one of the passengers.” Cops say the passenger — allegedly Justin — hit the limo driver in the back of the head “several times” during the fight, and when the driver stopped to call police … Justin fled the scene. Bieber turned himself in last night — what a scene — to face the assault charge. Bieber’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, says he expects this will be treated like a low level crime — the equivalent of a misdemeanor is the U.S. And, Weitzman says, “Our position is Mr. Bieber is innocent.”

So it’s pretty safe to say that Justin’s parents, and Scooter Braun, have pretty much failed at this point, right? The kid you all collectively raised is just the worst kind of asshole, and he’s a product of all of you being just the absolute worst. Your charge is now breaking the law in two countries AT THE SAME TIME. I’m amazed the government hasn’t forcibly sterilized the lot of you just to make sure you don’t ruin any more kids.

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.