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Justin Bieber got another monkey?!

Justin Bieber got another monkey?!
June 24, 2013 JEREMY FEIST

Justin Bieber

I’m sure a few of you have heard the sad story of Justin Bieber‘s monkey, but for the sake of clarity and space-filling, let’s recap: Once upon a time, Justin had a monkey because of course he did. One day, Justin decided to go on tour in Europe and bring his monkey with him, except whoops! Turns out he didn’t bother filing any paper work to bring the poor monkey along with him. So instead, Justin abandoned the monkey — who was convinced Justin was his father and had formed an emotional connection to Bieber — in a foreign country and never thought of it ever again. So of course, Justin has a new monkey now, and he can’t be bothered to care for this one either. TMZ reports …

Justin Bieber has pissed off a private jet company … because his plane has been grounded in Miami for 8 hours, while Justin searches for his pet monkey … TMZ has learned. Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … Justin rented a private jet to take him from Miami to Burbank. The plane was supposed to take off at 11 AM ET, but the Biebs called to say he was running late. Hours passed … and he showed up at around 3 PM. But we’re told he wasn’t ready to smoke out of Miami because he needed to pick up his monkey from West Palm Beach. The plane just took off with Bieber inside. We don’t know if the monkey made it in time.

Either someone needs to call Animal Services and have Justin’s monkey taken away or they need to buy a tiny, monkey-sized coffin, because that poor little creature has absolutely no chance with that spoiled little sh!t. Justin is the worst thing to happen to monkeys since The Banana Wars. If Justin’s monkey could talk, it would beg to have cosmetics tested on it just so he could have an out. Monkey children check under their bed for Justin before they go to sleep. In monkey language, the word “Justin Bieber” literally translates into “chimp-eating douche monster.”

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.