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Jeremy Piven allegedly gives terrible head

Jeremy Piven allegedly gives terrible head

Stop me if you heard this one: An overly cocky braggart is terrible at sexing a woman. Shocking? Of course not. But this time we’re talking about Jeremy Piven and we allegedly have a first-hand account of the crappy cunnilingus, so hello again, my old friend schadenfreude. Gawker reports:

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV—a football game was on mute—and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

“Jeremy! The candle— !” Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

I’d say that making fun of Jeremy for having a stripper call him out for bad oral sex would be like shooting fish in a barrel, but knowing Jeremy, he probably would have tried to eat the allegorical fish and then end up with mercury poisoning.

Jeremy Piven