Quantcast
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

James Franco sucks at sex tapes!

James Franco sucks at sex tapes!
August 10, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
James Franco

Because he’s just soooooo artsy and weird and out there (read: Stoner), James Franco decided that early in his career that he wanted to break into the porn industry with his girlfriend (sidenote: Step off my dress, bitch) so he broke out the camera and filmed himself and his girlfriend getting it on. Except it turns out he’s as able a pornstar as he is a host, so the entire thing sucked balls. Even the ball-sucking sucked balls.

There is one boundary, however, that he will not push, with his amateur pratfalls enough to discourage further pursuit. Appearing on “Conan” Tuesday night, he detailed some unfortunate adult film dabblings.

“When I was young, it’s not like I went down to Van Nuys and tried to break into the porn industry, I got a video camera and my girlfriend and I decided to film ourselves,” he laughed. “And watched it back and said yeah, let’s never watch that again.” SOURCE

I’ve never actually seen the sex tape because the bastard refuses to release it, but if I had to guess what he’s like based entirely on his performance at the Oscars: he basically just stays perfectly still and rigid for three hours, contributes nothing to the proceedings, and maintains a face that looks like he’s trying to remember if he left the oven on at home. “Shit, I forgot to turn off the broiler, I know it … Goddammit, I really hope nothing burns or I am going to just go fucking blind … Oh, are you still down there? Be a dear and cup my balls, wouldja?”

James Franco