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It’s official: Lindsay Lohan is going to jail!

It’s official: Lindsay Lohan is going to jail!
November 2, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Lindsay Lohan

All right, so Lindsay Lohan will officially start her 30 days of jail time sometime within the week, and has another 270 days ready and willing to screw her into oblivion if she violates her parole. These are the details as gleaned from the live-feed of the trial from TMZ:

  • The prosecution starts off by reminding everyone about all the ways Lindsay completely blew off her community service, and then Shawn Chapman Holley tries to bargain them down to simply being a fuck-up.
  • Lindsay Lohan waives the right to a trial regarding her violating probation and pleads guilty.
  • Judge Saunter says that Lindsay has a maximum of 330 days of jail time over her head. Which means she’ll be in there for about five minutes.
  • Judge Saunter then says she tried to get Lindsay to work at a homeless women’s shelter. Except they didn’t want to take her because they said she’d be a bad influence. For homeless women. Let that sink in.
  • Lindsay must surrender to county jail for 30 days within the week. Holy shit that is, like, real jail. REAL. JAIL.
  • Lindsay’s probation officer just ditched her, and her new one will apparently be pretty no-nonsense. Which means Lindsay Lohan is FUCKED.
  • Lindsay will return to court on December 14th, perform more community service at the morgue, go to court-ordered therapy.
  • The morgue has agreed to stop holding press conferences about Lindsay if she’ll stop with the fucking tweeting.
  • Lindsay still has 300 days of jail time, and as long as she completes all her community service on schedule, she will stay out of jail permanently.
  • Lindsay cannot leave the state or country unless cleared by her new, no-nonsense probation officer.
  • If she breaks any laws or violates the above rules, she will have a warrant put out for her arrest.
  • Lindsay accepts all of the above, so she’ll be serving her 30 days of jail time starting within the week.
  • Lindsay will reimburse the cost of the extra security the Downtown Women’s Shelter needed for her celebrity status.

So basically, Lindsay will be in there for a month, and then she’ll be spending something like four months working her ass off at community service in order to make sure she doesn’t have to go back to jail for nine months. I’m just going to read this as “Lindsay Lohan will be going back to jail for 3/4ths of a year by the end of 2011 because being a lazy alcoholic is a lot easier than doing actual work.” I’ll see you all again by December 31st, and so help me Jesus I am willing to put money down on that.

Adding: Apparently, Lindsay will only be serving six days because the California legal system is a joke. Also, Lindsay showed up with “food poisoning”, which would be far more believable if you replaced the word “food” with “alcohol. ALL THE ALCOHOL”.

Lindsay Lohan

PHOTO | FAME PICTURES