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WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

Is Katy Perry pregnant?

Is Katy Perry pregnant?
November 21, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Katy Perry

Katy Perry, much like every other celebrity who is pregnant and wants to hold out for a fat check from People magazine (“We are the seed-hungry bukkake whores of celebrity gossip media! Dump your load all over us!” – People magazine’s unofficial tag line) spent the past week wearing a bunch of really tight dresses that made her look like she was sporting a massive baby bump while she tried to convince us she was actually just full of pizza. So of course, here are the reports from The Sun that claim that Katy wants to settle down and raise a child with Russell Brand. Those last six words terrify me to no end.

The I Kissed A Girl star has told her management team she then plans to spend a year away from her career to “work on her family”. Meanwhile, Katy — who wed comic Russell, 36, in October last year — scotched rumours she may be pregnant at a New York gig on Wednesday. She told the crowd she was bloated from eating too much “New York City pizza”.

Well, this kid is screwed. Between a mother who firmly believes that eating pizza will make you look three-months pregnant and a father who at this point literally cums heroin and grey earl tea (Ha ha! British people) this poor theoretical child will never stand a chance.

Kid: Mom, why can’t I eat pizza?
Katy: Because dear, it gets you pregnant. Why do you think Herman Cain keeps getting sued for sexual harassment? Now jab this syringe into Daddy’s heart before The Maw takes him. Mind the clavicle, sweetie!

Katy Perry

PHOTO | FAME PICTURES / JUAN RICO