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(Most of) Heidi Montag turned 25!

(Most of) Heidi Montag turned 25!
September 19, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Heidi Montag

Can you believe famewhore Heidi Montag turned 25 over the weekend? Well, some of her anyway. Her tits are three, her lips are two, her back scoop is four … point is, legally her birthday was this weekend and legally she’s 25 years old. And she looks like hell. Good to know that those thousands and thousands of dollars worth of cosmetic surgery weren’t a complete waste, as long as she wanted to look like a bloated 45-year-old housewife reflecting on the fact that her best years are behind her and she has nothing to look forward to aside from 60+ years of regret and douchebag hubby Spencer Pratt. The Daily Mail reports:

Heidi Montag

Looking the worse the wear, Heidi looks tipsy and much older in the skintight gold dress she donned. Her tiny arms look incongruous against her bigger trunk, and suggest bloating as much as weight gain. It’s a typical side-effect of over indulging with alcohol, and considering the way Heidi seemed to be putting away champagne – at least stuffed with healthy strawberries – not something she will escape soon. (See pictures from inside the party!)

Ummm … boohoo? Oh who the shit am I kidding here. In the middle of a recession, these two were paid millions of dollars to exemplify the worst aspects of humanity, and then they completely squandered it because reality television famewhores suck at finances. Yeah, I know, what a shame. It’s almost as if karma took back the millions of undeserved dollars they got for doing absolutely fuck all. On the plus side, I hear the market value on silicone? Shooting through the roof!

Heidi Montag