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WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

Hamptons authorities want you to snitch on the Kardashians!

Hamptons authorities want you to snitch on the Kardashians!
June 25, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

The Kardashians

The Kardashians are apparently summering in the Hamptons right now, which I’m guessing is because they saw a few episodes of Revenge and thought, “Ooh! Pretty rich people trying to murder each other? Sign us up!” So they packed up, rented a nice place there, and got to work arguing and backstabbing for their terrible show. Except it turns out no one in the Hamptons wants them there, and are now being encouraged to rat them out if they ever see them filming Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Via Page Six

The matter was brought to a town board meeting, where resident Joan Tulp complained, “A beautiful and quiet day … we were surrounded and our peace shattered by filmmakers and paparazzi accompanying the Kardashians.” McNally, who was at the meeting, told us, “Who gave the Kardashians permission to film? The trustees should have been notified if they had applied for a permit to film on the beach, and we were not notified. Filming on our beaches is disruptive. Our residents are entitled to peace and quiet. I suggest that if anyone sees the Kardashians filming on the beach, they should call the police, because they are not legally there.”

Wait, that’s all it takes? Just call the cops on the Kardashians and they’ll stop filming their awful, garbage TV shows? Why doesn’t everyone do this?! Kids! If you ever see one the cat-faced demon witches collectively known as the Kardashians woodenly reciting lines at a camera, remember: Get to a safe place and call the cops. If you ever see them even walking down the street, simply pour a ring of salt around them, then read Bible verses to them until they burst into flames.

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.