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Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin: Splitting up

Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin: Splitting up
March 26, 2014 JEREMY FEIST

Gwyneth Paltrow

The vibe I got from Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin was that they were one of those ultra-bohemian couples who didn’t sweat the small stuff when it came to their relationship. Say what you will about either of them, but they really did make sense as a couple. Or so I thought because apparently, they’re separating. Here’s the press release on GOOP, which … sure, why not?

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when they’re divvying up their assets. Because you know they have some awesome gawddamn stuff that no sane person would ever actually use or need. “All right, you take the organic stone pizza cutter. I’ll take this free-trade almond milk aerator. You take the bamboo saddle for dressage horses, and I’ll take handcrafted, artisinal throw-rug for our dog’s second bathroom. Now, do you want to glass-blown blender designed only for wheatgrass juice? Because I can live without it if we’re being honest.”

Jeremy Feist is an (ahem) entertainer from Toronto, Canada. He writes, acts, and performs on stage, and has been a writer for Popbytes for almost three years now. He lives in Toronto with his boyfriend, his incredibly dumb but cute puppy, and his immortal cat.