Get ready to feel dirty all over: Hugh Hefner is getting married! Yay! To a girl who is sixty years younger than he is. Aaaaaaaand we just went to a weird place. SIXTY. SIXTY YEARS YOUNGER. Which means that, while she was still in the womb, he was old enough to get a senior citizens discount at the movies.
Hefner first Tweeted about it on Sunday. “When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears,” the Girls Next Door star wrote. “This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory…I got what I was hoping for for Christmas…Crystal’s love.”
To make his news absolutely clear, the mogul then added: “Yes, the ring I gave Crystal is an engagement ring. I didn’t mean to make a mystery out of it. A very merry Christmas to all.” SOURCE
Really, can you blame them? Hef is at death’s door as it is, so I think we can all grant him the benefit of wanting to put his face between as many breasts as he can before his time comes. And clearly, this Crystal bitch has no employment opportunities, so jerking of an octogenarian until he comes money is pretty much the best she’ll ever be able to do for herself. Three cheers for loveless marriages of convenience!