Quantcast
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

5 Things Wrong with the Kardashian Kristmas Kard!

5 Things Wrong with the Kardashian Kristmas Kard!
December 19, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
The Kardashian Kristmas Kard

Because it wouldn’t be Christmas without the Kardashians releasing an off-putting Christmas card while bastardizing the English language with enough K’s to make a white supremacist jizz in his pants, here’s the 2011 version of the family’s Kristmas Kard. I actually thought this was originally a still from American Horror Story, but then I realized that no one was dead (sadly) so clearly that wasn’t the case. Oh well … here are five things wrong with it:

  1. Don’t you just love how Kris Jenner lumped all her non-famous kids into the corner away from the rest of the family? I like to imagine that her love for each child is based on how marketable they are. “Sorry kids, but until you’re old enough to release your own watersports sex tapes, I don’t love you enough to make eye contact with me.”
  2. Speaking of Kris Jenner, here’s a fun game! Look at her and Bruce Jenner and tell me which one of them has a penis. Give up? It was a trick question! Neither of them do! Bruce was castrated back in 2008, and Kris actually has a tentacle monster between her legs from the fifth dimension of Skah’ranatu that devours stray cats.
  3. I know everyone makes fun of Khloé Kardashian for being a bigger girl, but I have to admit: her and Lamar Odom are probably the best looking of the bunch, and the daggers she’s staring at Kim fill me with so much joy. SO. MUCH. JOY.
  4. HAHA! Kim Kardashian is alone. As she should be, the contemptible harpy bitch. Also, did she recycle that tuxedo from her appearance on Dancing with the Stars? That skank.
  5. Why do Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick look like vengeful ghosts who have come back to avenge the loss of their ghost baby? I swear to God, there is no way these two aren’t actually living in some sort of horror movie. Because nothing says Merry Christmas like two people staring at you like spiteful demons about to drag you into Hell.

The Kardashian Kristmas Kard