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Five things wrong with Paris’ Vanity Fair Spain cover

Five things wrong with Paris’ Vanity Fair Spain cover
December 22, 2011 JEREMY FEIST
Paris Hilton

I’m sorry, but with the holidays approaching, the news has more or less dried up (expect light posting tomorrow, since no one will be doing anything interesting and I’ll be on a bus home to Montreal for the holidays). So here’s Paris Hilton‘s new Vanity Fair (Spain) cover. Yup, Spain. In case you ever wanted to pinpoint where Obscurity is on a map.

  1. What are you willing to bet this stiff-ass wig is made out of the hair of missing children? I don’t mean that as a joke. There’s no way in hell this wig isn’t possessed by the spirits of kidnapped and murdered children. The fact that Paris was able to wear it and not have her head burst into the flames of the damned proves this.
  2. I’m not sure if it’s the make-up, the photoshop, or just the botox gone bad, but I feel like this is the exact same face I’ve seen on Paris before. Either it’s gotten to the point where Paris’ face has permanently contorted into a mask of smug, unwarranted superiority or her jaw muscles have become paralyzed after one too many blowjobs, but I’m pretty sure Paris couldn’t even blink without tearing her forehead open.
  3. Yes, we get it: Paris is rich. Or more accurately, she’s from a rich family who bought her short-sighted career. You don’t need to spray-paint everything around her gold just to hammer your point across.
  4. True story: Immediately after this photograph was taken, Paris’ finger made contact with this coffee cup, and froze it instantly. And it also gave it chlamydia.
  5. Don’t you just love how the dog is looking away from the camera as if it were ashamed to be seen with Paris? Actually, he’s staring at the coffee cup because he knows that as soon as Paris touches it, he can ingest its contents and free himself from the torture of being held by Paris with the sweet release of death.

Paris Hilton