All right, we’re going to play a little game now: Courtney Stodden sat down with Zap2It, because apparently some people will actually take the rantings of her syph-addled teenage brain seriously, and talked to them about her first kiss. I’m going to try and guess how it will go, and then we’ll see what she says, and then you’ll guess which version actually happened. Cool? Awesome. Here’s my guess as to how Courtney Stodden’s first kiss went:
I was just 14-years-old, and I was saucily sashaying in nothing but a scintillating slip something something word-that-begins-with-S in bed with an older gentleman. He was 85-years-old. I kissed him in the hopes he’d give me my own TV show, but then he died. But you better not think that stopped me from fucking him! Insert winky-kitty-face and a completely random Bible verse here.
And now here’s Courtney’s story:
“It probably wasn’t considered ‘a good one’ for my 1st grade classmate. It was the kind of relationship where the boy absolutely loved the girl … but the girl … the girl thought he had major cooties!” She shares. “One day at school, this boy finally got up the courage to run up to me & try to sneak me a smooch for his own satisfaction … but what he didn’t see coming was a slap to the face! I immediately reacted and hit him as hard as I could across his face as he fell to the ground and realized that his offering was completely rejected – but that didn’t stop him from loving me – and his kiss didn’t stop me from thinking he had cooties.”
Man, don’t 1st grade kids know anything? If you’re going to try and kiss Courtney, you have to make a blood offering to the slut demon T’nuc, from which Courtney derives her dark whore magicks. Also, you have to have a lot of money she can mooch off of and you have to promise to get her her own reality TV show. Also, it’s nice to see that even when she’s not tweeting, she still writes like she watched her mother drown the English language in a bathtub.