Oh fuck me sideways, you know it’s a dull-ass day when you’re running a story about, of all things, what Joe Simpson, the father of washed-up singer Jessica Simpson thinks of his daughter’s impending shotgun wedding of spite. Here’s a hint: HE APPROVES.
“I am so thrilled as a father to see my baby so very happy,” Joe gushed to Access Hollywood at the premiere party for his new VH1 extreme sports reality show, “The X Life,” on Wednesday in Los Angeles. “I have two daughters who are in love with two wonderful guys. I couldn’t be happier as a father.” SOURCE
Immediately after this statement, he then proceeded to pull out a Nick Lachey doll and stabbed a needle into its tiny penis. “I’mma teach you to dee-vorce mah kin, ya’ll! You had yourself a set o’ tig ol’ bitties, and you threw those away! How dare you turn down mah daughter’s double D’s! I’mma kill you, Nick! I’mma kill you!”