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Box Office: Turtles, Raccoons, Cops, and old dudes–oh my!

Box Office: Turtles, Raccoons, Cops, and old dudes–oh my!
August 18, 2014 JEREMY FEIST
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

  • According to BoxOfficeMojo, America again said “YES!” to seeing a bunch of off-brand Shreks reenact what they think is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie to the tune of $28.4 Million. To be fair, Cracked posited that the rise of the big flashy-crashy-boom-boom summer blockbusters overseas could be promoting a global unity over shared movie experiences, which could create a more peaceful international existence. Either that or Michael Bay just makes dumb movies, but I prefer to think it’s the former.
  • Although if there’s one flashy-crashy-boom-boom summer blockbuster that *should* be responsible for international unity, I’d go with Guardians of the Galaxy because that movie was so f*cking good. And it made $24.7 Million, which is pretty good for a third week.
  • Surprisingly, Let’s Be Cops managed to earn $17.7 Million in an August sea of flashy-crashy-boom-boom. Actually, now that I think about it that might be the reason why it did as well as it did: It doesn’t have any competition. It’s the lone comedy in a theatre where every other movie is about two or more people punching their differences away.
  • Which brings us to The Expendables 3. Despite being a sequel (check!) and a flashy-crashy-boom-boom (check!) starring all the actors your dad loves (check!) it only managed to do $16.2 million. I guess [INSERT JOKE ABOUT OLD MEN FAILING TO GET IT UP/VIAGRA HERE]!
  • I have no idea what The Giver is, but it made $12.7 Million. Although if I had to guess … it’s another non-Hunger Games movie? Because even teenagers need their flashy-crashy-boom-boom.