Kim Kardashian is done dating football players?

In case you needed any further proof that Kim Kardashian is a lying whorebeast, aside from anything and everything she’s ever done ever, here’s the most damning piece of evidence you can think of: after rumors circulated that she was dating football star Mark Sanchez, Kim claimed that she would never date another football player ever again, which I think means she’s banging one as I type this. And chances are she’ll be banging a different one by the time you read this. TMZ reports:

In case you haven’t heard — there were reports Kim and Mark were seeing each other on the DL whenever she was in New York. There were other rumors Kim came on to Tim Tebow because of his old-fashioned values. But we’re told … it’s all BS. Sources close to Kim tell us, her break-up with Bush in 2010 was so rough … she has lost her taste for NFL players entirely — and has no plans to play the field in the near future.

Of course Kim will date another football player. Are you kidding me? Most of them fit every criteria Kim looks for in a man, such as:

  1. They’re famous
  2. They’re rich
  3. They can be duped into a fake marriage for money and attention
  4. They have big penises capable of peeing

SCIENCE WINS AGAIN!

Kim Kardashian

Katy Perry wants to see Tim Tebow’s Peacock!

Yeah, even the stories that don’t have anything to do with the Super Bowl still have something to do with football. Or as I like to call it, Handegg. Because it’s more accurate. Anyway, after deciding to divorce Russell Brand, Katy Perry has decided to get back on the horse. Or more specifically, under it, because she’s not dedicating songs about penises to Tim Tebow which is about as transparent an invitation for sex without sexting someone a picture of your funstuff along with your home address. People reports:

Katy Perry performed her first U.S. concert since splitting from hubby Russell Brand in Indianapolis, Ind., Saturday night, delivering a party-starting nine-song set for guests at the DIRECTV Super Saturday Night Hosted by Mark Cuban and Peyton Manning. And the pop star seemed to have Super Bowl fever: Sporting a glittery, football-themed top and high-cut grey spandex shorts, Perry kicked off the show at 11:45 p.m. by bursting through a banner emblazoned with her name, just like a hometown gridiron hero. Perry, 27, made no references to Brand, 36, throughout the set, but she did jokingly give a shout out to one special fellow who was on her mind. “This one goes out to Tim Tebow,” she said, before launching into her single Peacock.

Mind you, a lot of people placed the blame for Katy’s divorce on the fact that Brand wasn’t really a practicing Christian while Katy was raised in a family that believed jibbering like a moron would somehow banish the evil from a cereal box, so it only makes sense that Katy would try and date someone a little closer to her in the religious department, even if said person did have an annoying habit of publicly praying whenever he could despite it going against Matthew 6:5. Oh just Google it.

Katy Perry and Tim Tebow

EVERYBODY PANIC: It’s M.I.A.’s middle finger!

And now for this year’s contrived faux controversy from the half-time show, brought to you in part by easily offended old people who don’t actually know how real people interact with each other. During the half-time show, M.I.A. — who performed with Madonna along with LMFAO, Nicki Minaj and Cee Lo Green — flipped the bird to the cameras for all of, like, a fraction of a second. Of course, this millisecond of slight offense was enough to enrage the Parents Television Council, the arbiters of cranky old people who want you to get off their damn lawn already, which quickly prompted apologies from everyone and their dogs. RadarOnline reports:

Both the NFL and NBC were quick to issue apologies in the wake of the off-color display, which was seen by more than 110 million viewers on NBC. NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said “the obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing and we apologize to our fans.” NBC spokesman Christopher McCloskey — noting that “the NFL hired the talent and produced the halftime show” — said the network’s “system was late to obscure the inappropriate gesture, and we apologize to our viewers.”

Honestly, I think the more appropriate response to this would have been something along the lines of “blow it out your asses, you goddamn ninnies.” It’s a flash of middle finger for Christ’s sake. Are you that immature that you cannot handle a fleeting glimpse of a solitary finger? God help you if you were to actually go outside and interact with real people, because then you would have to come into contact with people who look and think differently than you. SAVE US, INVISIBLE BEARDED CLOUD GIANT!

M.I.A.

Gisele Bündchen slammed the Patriots!

The Super Bowl was last night in case the deafening media coverage didn’t completely tip you off, and before we delve into this year’s fake half-time show controversy, we have to talk about supermodel Gisele Bündchen. By now you probably know that Gisele is married to Tom Brady, the quarterback of the New England Patriots, and after the New York Giants beat them to win the Super Bowl (sorry, Pats fans) Gisele apparently threw a big ol’ bucket of shade on them. Guess who’s angry about that? TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ, the teammates are “disappointed” Gisele decided to air her grievances after the game last night — when she said, “My husband cannot f***ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.” According to sources, Tom’s teammates feel betrayed by Gisele’s behavior — the Pats organization is a brotherhood and Gisele’s pot shot violated the code — which is basically … win as a team, lose as a team.

I didn’t actually catch the Super Bowl, mostly because yesterday it was my birthday and I had more important shit to do than to watch a bunch of grown men pass a lump of pig skin back and forth among themselves — which reminds me, did anyone else catch Madonna‘s half-time show? — but I doubt Tom single-handedly carried the team on his own here, and I doubt every single one of his throws was delivered with pinpoint accuracy, so yeah, Gisele may have been talking out of her ass a little bit.

Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady

Building a SMASH hit

TelevisionBytes with NineDaves

An average American sees an advertisement for SMASH every ten seconds. That’s not a formal study, of course, but I think if you started to keep track of all the promos, billboards, print ads, articles, banner ads, Facebook apps, talk show appearances, radio spots, tweets, and previews flying around out there, my estimation would come pretty close.

SMASH

So much so that I don’t think I even need to spend the time explaining the basic premise of SMASH. Your grandmother who doesn’t even own a TV could probably tell you everything about NBC’s new hour-long musical drama.

I mean, even though SMASH premieres tonight on NBC at 10 p.m., the full pilot’s been available on Hulu, NBC.com, iTunes, and YouTube for weeks (I’ve embedded below for those living under a rock). NBC is literally doing everything they can to make sure you watch this thing.

Who can blame them? NBC has a lot riding on SMASH. It’s no surprise that things haven’t been going well for NBC. The fourth place network has been on a decade-long decline since the days of Must-See TV. Sure, the network has a catalog of quality programming and critical hits, with shows like Parenthood, Law and Order: SVU, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Community and Up All Night. But they’re missing the core thing: an audience. Low-rated quality shows are good for awards season. But NBC needs an award-worthy scripted show that gets viewers to tune-in.

SMASH might be the show that does just that. It has all the makings of a great television hit: a phenomenal production team, lead by Steven Spielberg; a superstar cast, lead by Debra Messing, Anjelica Huston, and Jack Davenport; a built-in story-arc with dramatic plot points, juicy romances, and most importantly, characters that you root for.

Yet all of this is wrapped up in a show about the making of a Broadway show – and an original Broadway show at that, with new, never-heard-before songs. That’s not something that necessarily appeals to a wide audience. Look at the state of Broadway right now, and you’ll see: even they’re having a hard time drawing audiences in to an original Broadway musical (without casting celebrities, of course). So building a show around the making of a musical that’s not based on a popular movie or catalog of already-established hit songs? That’s pretty ambitious.

Does it pay off?

Well … yes. ‘Cause in the end, the Broadway setting pretty much fades into the background. This isn’t a show for the theatrical elite (although there are plenty of references for those of us who know who Michael Riedel is). At it’s core, SMASH is a working-place drama. You know how The West Wing gave you the behind-the-scenes look at what it was like to work in politics? SMASH does just that, but for an industry guarded with secrets and filled with juicy stories.

That being said, there’s a lot for Broadway folks to hold on to here. Not only does SMASH feature some of the brightest musical theater-stars working today (among the many: Megan Hilty, Christian Borle, Brian d’Arcy James, Will Chase, Raza Jaffrey – heck, even Bernadette Peters stops by), but also it features some of the most talented creatives in the industry. Tony-winning director Michael Mayer (Thoroughly Modern Millie, Spring Awakening, American Idiot), directs the first three episodes. Tony-winning composer and lyricist team Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman (Hairspray, Catch Me If You Can) wrote the songs for the show-within-the-show. Playwright Theresa Redbeck (who’s show Seminar is currently running on Broadway) wrote the script. Even new NBC Entertainment chairmen Robert Greenblatt, who in his first few months on the job green-lit SMASH, has attachments to the biz. He produced the 2009 Broadway musical 9 to 5.

All those theater people working on SMASH doesn’t necessarily mean SMASH will be a perfect portrayal of the biz. But if you’re going to watch a show about the theater, you need to put yourself in the mind frame of seeing a live Broadway show. And that means willing suspension of disbelief. In the real world, it’s pretty unlikely that a bunch of people can break into song, performing a fully choreographed, perfectly sung number. But on stage, you accept that as a device used to tell the story. In the real world, it’s pretty unlikely that an inexperienced actress would get an audition for a new musical, let alone a final callback. But on SMASH, that’s another acceptable storytelling device. “Marilyn: the Musical” would never develop as quickly in the real world as it does in the pilot episode of SMASH. You got to let that all go. This is just a glimpse. The series as a whole will give the bigger picture.

If the premise alone isn’t enough to keep you coming back week after week, The cast is. Messing (much more subdued then during her tenure on Will & Grace) and Borle are endearing as Julia Houston and Tom Levitt, the hit songwriting duo at the center of the creative team of “Marilyn: the Musical.” Their chemistry is the heart of SMASH. Davenport plays a loveable villain as Derek Wills, the egotistical director you can’t help but fall for. Plus there’s the incomparable Huston as producer Eileen Rand, who gives a tough, riveting performance and basically steals every scene she’s in.

And then there’s our two “stars.” Katharine McPhee, (known for her season five runner-up spot on American Idol), is on-pitch as Karen Cartwright, the inexperienced talent vying for the lead role as Marilyn Monroe in “Marilyn: the Musical.” While Broadway vet Hilty, (who fits the Marilyn role so perfectly, she’s been cast in Marilyn’s role in the New York City Center’s ENCORES production of Gentleman Prefers Blondes this spring), shines as Ivy Lynn, the experienced beauty who will do anything to win. Promos have been spinning the show as an ultimate competition between these two characters. But judging from the first four episodes, SMASH is more about these ladies vs. the industry as a whole. That struggle to break though – to prove yourself and be recognized. Isn’t that something in which we can all relate?

If you’ve ever seen an awards show, you’ll know that when the Best Movie or Best Musical or Best TV Show award is given out, about 100 people get up there to accept. The entertainment industry is in its very nature, collaborative. SMASH sets out to expose that group and they work they do. I found myself drawn to the world SMASH revealed in front of me. And I hope to see more.

As they say in the promos, “Stars aren’t born. They’re made.” Let’s hope NBC and SMASH can make themselves a hit.

SMASH

Watch: Madonna’s Super Bowl performance!

Just in case you missed Madonna‘s incredible twelve-minute performance during the Super Bowl‘s (go Giants!) half-time show earlier today, watch it below! Overall it was hands down the best half-time show ever, from the detailed costumes to the elaborate sets, it was an amazing spectacle that completely blew me away. Let’s also not forget girlfriend is 53 and still appears to be at the top of her game, so to all the haters with their snide little comments, please step aside! I feel bad for whoever will perform next year, it’s bound to disappointing compared to Madge’s performance, she seriously set the bar super high!

I originally thought she got paid to put on that show, yet it turns out the lady wasn’t paid a dime, all the major worldwide press and publicity is payment enough (of course all expenses incurred were covered), especially since she’s about to release her highly-anticipated new album MDNA next month! I’ve been a Madonna fan for almost three decades, when I was eight ( back in 1984) Like A Virgin on vinyl (along with the EurythmicsTouch) was my first music purchase, instantly I became hooked for life. Even if you’re not a fan there’s simply no arguing about her unmatched energy and stamina, she’s a true original, no one is ever going to take her place. Discussions about who could possibly be the next Madonna are completely pointless (sorry Lady Gaga), there will never be anyone quite like her (the same could probably be said about Michael Jackson), I feel blessed to still be a witness to her enduring phenomena!

Madonna - Super Bowl

PHOTO | MADONNARAMA

Watch: Adam Lambert’s ‘Better Than I Know Myself’

Here’s the highly-anticipated new music video from Adam Lambert for Better Than I Know Myself, the first single off his upcoming sophomore effort Trespassing (out on March 20th). I’ve been a huge supporter of Adam’s since he appeared on the eighth season of American Idol (landing the runner-up spot), and it’s fantastic to see him still on the music scene looking sexier than ever after dropping a couple of pounds. I totally love this song and I’ve got high hopes for Adam’s new material, plus he’ll soon be out on tour with Queen as their new lead singer, filling in for music legend Freddie Mercury, may he rest in peace!

“The song is basically saying, ‘I’m kind of a screw up, I do stupid things and continue to put my foot in my mouth, but be patient with me because I need you around — you’re the only person that gets me,’” Lambert told the Hollywood Reporter. “You’re the only person I feel comfortable with. You almost know me better than I know myself.’ It’s kind of an apology and kind of a plea. It’s very honest.” SOURCE

 Adam Lambert - Better Than I Know Myself

TrailerBytes: Hunger Games, Lockout and G.I. Joe

TrailerBytes with Dan Spritz

Hunger Games

This is the first of two Super Bowl movie trailers (along with an Avengers trailers that shows us carnage and the faces of all of the protagonists) that came out this week. This trailer amplifies the emotion of the first theatrical trailer. Instead of showing us Effie’s (Elizabeth Banks) bubbly personality, we see her and President Snow (Donald Sutherland) expressing excitement and glee about the approach of the Games. Instead of showing Gale (Liam Hemsworth) carrying Prim (Willow Shields) away, we see her face as she screams. Instead of a brief shot of training, we see just how intensely Cato (Alexander Ludwig) maims a dummy. Instead of seeing Katniss’ (Jennifer Lawrence) fears about her own death we see just how worried she is about her family’s survival. The Capitol even looks more grandiose.

All of these components have developed nicely, but the biggest part of this trailer is the Mockingjay pin. In the book, Katniss did not give it to Prim. Madge Undersee gave it to Katniss after she volunteered to go into the games. Since no one is listed on IMDB as playing Madge Undersee, it appears that that plot has been changed for the sake of efficiency. It doesn’t make much difference in this movie, but there are a few references down the line that will have to be changed.

More worrisome though, right at the end Cinna (Lenny Kravitz) affixes the pin to Katniss’ clothing and makes it seem like she should keep quiet about it. In the book, she is freely allowed to wear it. If she weren’t, it would be removed immediately, because the Gamemakers have that power. The fact that it is made to seem like an illicit object hints towards revolution way too early in the trilogy’s arc.

A couple other exciting notes:

  • We see a brief shot of Katniss, arrow taut on her bow, in the Hunger Games. That’s about as close as we’ve gotten to fighting footage from this film.
  • We also hear the first reference to her as, “The Girl on Fire.” With that on the table, I’d like to mention something. I’ve been saying for months that Adele’s Set Fire to The Rain should be involved with this movie somehow, surely we can get that ball moving forward now? (I also apparently need to tweet about this connection again on February 12).

Lockout

Last week made it two weeks in a row that a major trailer came out after I finished this article. Damn you arbitrary (and self-imposed) deadlines! This trailer was worth it though. Why? Because Lockout appears to be the rare movie that is both ultra-clichéd and batshit insane.

To start, we have the president’s daughter (Maggie Grace) visiting a prison in space that is home to the world’s most criminally insane individuals. Now, women are often asked to wear loose clothing in low-security prisons to as not to rile up the inmates. With that in mind, sending someone as attractive as Maggie to a normal prison would require a certain deal of preparation and baggy clothing. In this prison, there probably shouldn’t ever be any women, let alone Maggie. The fact that she is the president’s daughter should also merit a flurry of security precautions. No one seems to think of any of this though. Not only is she dressed to the nines, SHE’S WEARING FUCKING JEWELRY.

Setting aside this horribly improbably beginning, the prison has become overrun by its inmates because a single inmate gets a single gun in an interrogation room. His possession of a gun inexplicably causes an explosion. I cannot fathom a reason for why security standards would be so lax or explosive materials would be so readily available. We don’t have time to ponder that question though, there’s too much to cover.

Apparently only one man capable of rescuing such a situation and saving the president’s daughter, Guy Pearce’s “Snow.” Naturally, “He’s the best there is, but he’s a loose cannon.” Great writing! Now, if I may ask a question, why is only one man permitted to save the president’s daughter and restore order to the most dangerous prison to ever exist? Aren’t there always “extraction teams” for situations like this? What are the various branches of the military doing about the situation? How about the guards in the prison? Have they all been killed? How did that happen? Also, the man who is apparently the best there is for a mission in space is afraid of heights.

Not crazy enough for you? How about the fact that, again, this orbiting jail (I love the idea, by the way. 22nd century Alcatraz?) is home to the world’s most criminally insane individuals? Wait, if that’s not enough, the space station is apparently going to crash into the eastern seaboard as well.

I think I’m going to have to suspend my disbelief for this one.

G.I. Joe.

Here’s our other Super Bowl trailer. The majority of the trailer is The Rock quoting Jay-Z and then mindless action scenes flashing across the screen as we hear the portion of the song that The Rock just quoted. Make no mistake, this movie is the definition of mindless drivel. Instead of going down that road though, I would like to focus on the cliff scene once again. I just stopped having nightmares about why no one involved uses the weapon most perfectly suited to cut rope TO CUT THE ROPES THAT KEEP THEIR ENEMIES ALIVE, and now I see that no one is even trying to use their swords. “Hey look, I have this super sharp sword, why don’t I kick that guy in the head?” Also, Bruce Willis is now demanding that we call him Joe. This movie is too much for me. I need it to stop.

Hunger Games

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

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