WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP
WHEN MUSIC POPS, WE TURN IT UP

So the Super Bowl was last night …

So the Super Bowl was last night …

Beyoncé

Beyoncé

Men threw an egg-shaped ball up and down a field a bunch of times until time was up and then someone got shiny metal. AMERICA! Here are all the the little parts that mattered, because like hell am I going to spend energy on this above the bare minimum required:

  • The Baltimore Ravens won 34-31 over the San Francisco 49ers. If that means anything to you, it’s probably because you either won or lost a lot of money on it. Although I do have a hankering for Brendon Ayanbadejo, and the 49ers are full stupid douche a-holes, so I’m okay with this.
  • After the Destiny’s Child reunion was disbanded at the last minute, they ended up performing together during the Super Bowl, which is great for not only the gays who only tuned in for Beyoncé, but for the Illuminati conspiracy nuts who seem to think the world is going to end because of pop music instead of something more realistic like global warming or random happen-stance.
  • After the half-time show, the lights in the stadium went out for half an hour, and- okay, maybe those Illuminati nutbags are on to something. (Just kidding! No, they’re absolutely not.)
  • People were tricked into caring about commercials after every advertising agency pulled their heads out of their asses and realized people actually care more about entertainment than being talked down to by smarmy ad execs. Also: AMY POEHLER! ERMAHGERD!