Fleshlight offers Lindsay Lohan $1 Million!

Lindsay Lohan

Since Lindsay Lohan has pretty much zero chances of ever being a serious actress again because her only current project is a stunt-casting, famewhoring biopic about the Gottis that is stuck in the deepest circle of development hell, the word is that her only option left is porn, to which I say: no thank you. But since she already showed off the firecrotch to her family for a million dollars, the good people at Fleshlight want to make a mold of MORE

Kim and Kris are heading towards divorce?

Kim Kardashian - Us Weekly

Get ready to start setting your Tivo to record Kim's Fairytale Divorce, because apparently Kim Kardashian and husband Kris Humphries are on the outs because Kris can't work because of the NBA lockout, and Kim wants him to start working even though he legally can't do jackshit. Oh, and also because Kim is an evil, spiteful harpy and being married to her is like jamming bamboo splinters up your own urethra. Can't forget that part! Us Weekly MORE

Michael Lohan skips jail time, again!

Michael Lohan and Kate Major

Just in case you were worried that Lindsay Lohan was the only member of her family who was impervious to jail time no matter what she did, well guess what? After beating Kate Major for what can only be, like, the one-hundred-billionth time, it looks like Michael Lohan dodged a trip to the big house because there is no God and we live in a crazy upside-down universe where left is right and shoes go in vaginas. RadarOnline reports: As MORE

Details on Lindsay Lohan’s full-frontal Playboy shoot!

Lindsay Lohan

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan drunkenly made out with her mom? Of course you do, because the image was burnt into your retinas and now when you close your eyes to sleep at night it's the only thing you can see. Sorry about that. Anyway, Lindsay upped the creepiness yesterday when she brought her mom, Dina Lohan, and her little sister Ali Lohan to watch her show off her boobs to photographers for Playboy magazine because ... no, seriously, why MORE

Cher told DWTS to suck it!

Cher and Chaz Bono

So last night, our beloved Chaz Bono was shown the door on Dancing with the Stars, which is kind of sad because we liked him, but at the same time, he wasn't exactly the best dancer in the world, sooooooo ... meh, I guess it sorta balances itself out into fairness. Anyway, mama Cher didn't appreciate it and proceeded to pull out a doll and point to which parts of her ass they could kiss. @Cher: But your mom "could cut a bitch" ! Thank u Carrie MORE

BREAKING: Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning

Amy Winehouse

After Amy Winehouse suddenly mysteriously died back on July 23rd, Amy's family was adamant that she wasn't drinking or doing drugs at the time and that she actually died of sobriety somehow, and we all just sort of nervously said nothing because ... well, you try being the dick who has to remind Amy's family that she made a song called Rehab. Anyway, turns out the sobriety theory was actually the total opposite of what actually killed Amy, MORE

Snooki is not a role model, so sayeth Snooki!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi

Proving my theory that the cast of Jersey Shore is, in fact, completely self-aware of how they come across on their show, Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi made an appearance on the Today Show to promote her second book (side-note: WHAT?!) and made sure to tell everyone that the character she plays on Jersey Shore is by no means a role model. You know, just in case you thought it was totally cool to plop your kids in front of the television screen, point MORE

Anderson Cooper takes on Courtney Stodden!

So today, my perfectly pleasant peach Anderson Cooper and his luscious white locks of love fired back those haters of the voluptuous va-va-voom goddess, Courtney Stodden, after they had the nerve to kick her (and hubby Doug Hutchison) out of a pumpkin patch, even though Mark 4:20 says that he who is without sin must bang a teenager or something. I don't know, thinking like Courtney just makes me hearing the mocking laughter of forgotten demons. MORE

Tila Tequila wants to box Lindsay Lohan?!

Tila Tequila

When we last checked in on famewhore Tila Tequila, she was still irrelevant and didn't quite understand that the world wanted her to die already. And that's still the case, because apparently the useless twat is still here and she wants to box Lindsay Lohan because crackheads punching each other is ratings gold. Dream big, Tila. Dream big. RadarOnline reports: “I’m tiny but mighty! The gloves will probably weigh more than I do, but I’m MORE

Guess why Michael Lohan got arrested?

Michael Lohan

Ah the hell with it, I'm just going to throw this one at you and let you guess what happened. 'Father of the Year' aka Michael Lohan was arrested early this morning according to TMZ. What did he do? A) Wore a mesh shirt in public B) Funneled coke up Lindsay Lohan's nose because she's worth more to him high than sober C) Kicked Kate Major in the vagina again D) Punched a kitten Tampa Police arrested Lindsay Lohan's dad at 1:10AM ET after MORE

Rihanna went on a sex toy shopping spree!

Rihanna

You know what I absolutely goddamn love? When celebrities go out to sex shops and don't act all ashamed about it. It's the reason why Zac Efron went from "weirdly mannequin-like thing" to "actual human being" for me. Anyway, Rihanna, who has never been afraid to get wild and kinky with her fans, stopped by a Parisian sex shop called the Lovestore and ended up dropping $1,500 on sex toys and other assorted sexy items because RiRi is totally MORE

Lindsay Lohan is posing naked for Playboy!

Lindsay Lohan

In news that would have been just absolutely amazing if this were still 2006, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to be posing totally naked for Playboy magazine this week, for reportedly close to one million bucks. And remember, this is current day LiLo, which means that you could very well be jacking off to a bag of saline with a bunch of freckles poked on with a red sharpie for about ten minutes before you realize something might be off. Access MORE

Yup, Jessica Simpson is totally pregnant!

Jessica Simpson

After about fifty or so failed guesses, it looks like Jessica Simpson might be, like, REALLY pregnant this time. No, seriously. Actual pregnancy. Which is kinda weird because for the past week she's been holding out for money before she actually announced it, but at this point she couldn't be making this any more obvious if she had the ultrasound pinned to the front of her shirt with a big neon arrow pointing to her uterus. Us Weekly MORE

Jennifer Lopez’s emotional breakdown on stage!

Jennifer Lopez

Remember when Jennifer Lopez split from Marc Anthony? Because she sure does and God help her, there's no way in hell she's going to let you forget it either! Actually, she's going to make sure you don't forget ANY of her break-ups, and will trot them all out in her stage act and then cry about it because sympathy is totally big money these days. From Us Weekly: With thousands of adoring fans looking on, the newly-single mom got emotional MORE