Dear Justin Bieber: WHAT HAVE YOU WROUGHT?

Justin Bieber

Okay, so I went easy on the last Justin Bieber Christmas song / video, because I like to keep an open mind about these things no matter how many death threats Beliebers send me, so I'm going to try and stay positive for his new video, a clay-mated take on Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. And I mean, it's pretty - Oh. Oh God. What is happenin- THE MAW HAS OPENED. RUN ALL YOU WANT, THE SOUND OF HIS STEPS DRAWS CLOSER. PRAISE THE MAPLE BEAST. NO MORE

Courtney Stodden’s boobs are probably fake!

Courtney Stodden

As I mentioned just yesterday, teen bride Courtney Stodden made an appearance on Dr. Drew Pinsky's new show Lifechangers, because ... ummmmm, underage gold-digging whores will change your life somehow? Anyway, step one in Dr. Drew's ploy for those pedophile viewers was to get an ultrasound of Courtney's big fake underage boobs. Of course, this being a television show where people bend over backwards for attention whores, the fake famewhore doctor MORE

Aaaaaaaaaand here’s Duggar number twenty!

The Duggar Family

After their last kid almost died, which if anything should be an imminently clear sign from God that now might be a good time to stop popping out babies well after it stops being medically and morally feasible to do so, Michelle Duggar was all like "screw that, I need TLC to keep writing me checks so that my kids can become the Christ army" (no, seriously) so here comes baby #20 to make that ecological footprint just a little bit bigger. Via MORE

Lindsay Lohan is back to being a total moron!

Lindsay Lohan and Pitbull

A couple months back, you might remember that Lindsay Lohan heard a celebrity say her name, and proceeded to nearly whiplash herself death to see who still remembered that she hadn't died from a drug overdose. Yet. It turns out, it was Pitbull who was referencing all her jail time in a song, so this being Lindsay, a woman who cleared the space in her brain meant for self-reflection to make room for her dealer's numbers, she decided to sue him. MORE

Dr. Conrad Murray is guilty!

Dr. Conrad Murray

Over two years after Michael Jackson's untimely death, the jury in Conrad Murray's manslaughter case for whether or not he was responsible in the death of Jackson have found him ... GUILTY! Via TMZ: Jurors came back with the verdict moments ago after a grueling 6-week trial, finding prosecutors proved beyond a reasonable doubt ... Dr. Murray is responsible for MJ's death. Murray faces up to 4 years behind bars, but the reality is ... he will MORE

There was a streaker at the MTV EMAs!

Hayden Panettiere and David Monahan

Proving once and for all that Europe just does it better with award shows, the MTV Europe Music Awards were taken by surprise over the weekend when a streaker (actor David Monahan) ran out onstage while Hayden Panettiere was presenting, and everyone was just sorta like "Oh, hey, that guy is naked and onstage on live television. That's cool. Stick a microphone in his face." Huffington Post reports: As Panettiere was addressing the crowd, a MORE

Dr. Drew investigated Courtney Stodden’s boobs!

Courtney Stodden

I'm not sure how much of a draw seventeen-year-old fake boobs are, but someone on Dr. Drew Pinsky's new show must think they're ratings magnets or something because Us Weekly reports that the good famewhoring doctor decided to invite Courtney Stodden and her creepy plastic-pedo husband Doug Hutchison onto the show so that Dr. Drew could touch her big fake child jugs and get an ultrasound of them. You know, just in case you were wondering what was MORE

Lindsay Lohan: In and out of jail in less than five hours

Lindsay Lohan

You have to love how we as a society have gotten to the point where Lindsay Lohan can go to jail and almost no one notices. Probably because she's always going to jail, or being threatened with jail, or avoiding jail by going to rehab and punching nurses in the face. It's always one of those three options. Anyway, Us Weekly reports that our lady of perpetual screwing-up checked herself into jail last night at 8:50 PM, where she dutifully MORE

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are reuniting?

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

Someone over at E! must have realized that a reunion special would bring in way more ratings than a divorce one, especially since Kim Kardashian has for some reason decided that now would be the appropriate time to stop letting cameras capture every boring, uninteresting, unfunny moment of her stupid life. So of course Kim was just shipped off to Minnesota to visit Kris Humphries and the minister who fake married them so that she could try and MORE

Justin Bieber is probably not the father!

Justin Bieber

Remember when the story about Justin Bieber allegedly knocking up some random groupie girl came out and I said it was probably just really bad fan fiction from a girl who was seriously hard-up for a hot dickin'? Well I was right. According to TMZ, Mariah Yeater actually tried the whole "Your my baby's daddy!" gambit on some other poor sap before she tried Bieber, until she realized that she could always find an even bigger hill full of more gold MORE

Conan O’Brien officiated a gay wedding!

Conan O'Brien

While the media collectively shits itself over how Conan O'Brien "pushed the envelope" (really? You guys have, like, no other idiom aside from that one? Ooooookay then) everyone's favorite male ginger celebrated the last day of his week in New York City by officiating a wedding for a gay member of his staffer and his long time partner, the first of its kind on live TV. Entertainment Weekly reports: While the wedding between Conan staffer MORE

Justin Bieber has never met Mariah Yeater

Justin Bieber

So after it was revealed yesterday that Justin Bieber never actually formally denied knocking up a groupie, despite the fact that stuff like that should be like the first thing you do when someone says that whatever recently came out of her vagina is yours, Justin finally figured out that the smart thing to do is just announce that he never banged (famewhore) Mariah Yeater. See how easy that is? RadarOnline reports: "There is a lot of good MORE

Lindsay Lohan is back to normal!

Lindsay Lohan

After spending an entire month sucking up to the courts because she forgot that she will never go to jail because HA! Jail is for poor ugly people! It seems Lindsay Lohan is back to being a partying, non-working coke whore because it's a lot easier to just not do anything and not go to jail for it. Nice to see the universe hitting the reset switch and sending us all back to square one again. TMZ reports: With her hair and makeup looking on MORE

Shangela has a pocketful of Hawthornes!

Shangela

First thing's first: If you don't watch Community and RuPaul's Drag Race, this probably will do nothing for you. Also, I do not consider you a full human being. You need to watch that shit. Anyway, yesterday's episode of Community was about Chevy Chase's character, Pierce, launching a line of wipes targeting the gay community after a music video featuring Shangela and his Hawthorne Wipes goes viral. Here's the clip, and I'm not going to say MORE