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Revealed: The new ‘Dancing With The Stars’ cast!

August 30, 2011 12:12 PM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: People, Reality Tagged With: , , , , , ,

You know the drill: 12 D-list stars enter but only 1 D-list star leaves with their dignity still intact. Below, I’ve posted the list of celebrities competing on the show, via Huffington Post, as well as the token slots they’ll be filling, because every Dancing With The Stars season follows the same basic casting template:

Ricki Lake – Lovable Formerly-Fat Girl
Ron Artest – The Athlete
Kristin Cavallari – Reality Star/Whore
Chynna Phillips – Singer Your Mom Loves
David Arquette – Insane Has-Been/Celebrity Divorcée
Carson Kressley – Blonde Gay
Nancy Grace – Old, Contemptible Shrew
J.R. Martinez – The Heartwarming Old Guy
Hope Solo – Sexy Female Athlete No Ane Actually Knows
Rob Kardashian – Famewhore Kardashian
Elisabetta Canalis – Sexy Female Something No Ane Actually Knows
Chaz Bono – Face of a Major Group (i.e., Transfolk)

I’m just going to go ahead and call it now: Ricki Lake is going to take it. That’s my guess anyway. First out I’m guessing will be Nancy Grace because she’s old, bitchy, and moves like a marionette being operated by a raging alcoholic. And David Arquette will be the first to wipe out because he’s a hilarious dumbass. The rest will probably do whatever the fuck they do, although personally, I’m rooting for Chaz Bono. Love that guy.

Dancing With The Stars Season 13 Cast

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TLC – Kate + 8

August 16, 2011 9:12 AM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Famewhores, Reality Tagged With: ,

Thank you, America. You finally figured out that having more babies than you can possibly afford to care for is not a legitimate skill and that we shouldn’t make people celebrities because they contributed to overpopulation. Case in point: TLC finally took a pillow and suffered the insufferable; that waste of a show known as Kate + 8 has now been subtracted – which is why you should never name your show using mathematical formulae. Especially when its stars can’t even count. Anyway, this is what Kate Gosselin had to say on her Twitter account.

“We’ve had a great run! Six years of whirlwind funfilled adventures thanks to TLC and our many many supportive &diehard fans! While it is very sad for me and the kids (there were many tears at the breakfast table this morning!), we are looking forward with great anticipation to our bright future! As is very typical for me, I am choosing to see the positive in this situation and I am excited to consider the many more invigorating opportunities that may come my way! I poured my entire self in2 last 6 yrs of ‘Kate+8′ & I can’t wait2have the chance2challenge myself again w future endeavors! In the meanX,I hope 2have more time4motivational speaking, book writing &other fun work opportunities that come my way… And maybe even some dating??!! We wish our fans well. And remember, this is not ‘goodbye’.I prefer to say ‘See you around!’ Xoxo” SOURCE

Yes, I’m sure the kids were the ones crying over breakfast about how TLC now has more time for shows about little people who bake cupcakes. I mean, they were just in it for the fame and the money. Anyway, it’s good to see that they’re slowly starting to get rid of all these fucking pregnancy shows about people who think kids and TV deals will fill the void in their heart that alcohol could never quite satisfy. Now just get rid of Teen Mom and I’ll be a-okay. By which I mean literally banish the Teen Moms to fucking Antarctica and put their kids in good homes and we’ll call it even.

Kate Gosselin & Co.

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Trailer: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills / Season Two

July 27, 2011 6:08 PM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: People, Reality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

I seriously cannot wait for September 5th, that’s when the second season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premieres on Bravo, hands down one of the best channels on television! Even though Beverly Hills is the newest from the Housewife franchise, it’s one of my favorites (along with Orange County, Atlanta and New York City)! All of the cast members from last season are back (even Camille Grammer and messy Kim Richards), plus they’re adding in two new friends, Brandi Glanville (aka Eddie Cibrian‘s ex-wife) and party planner Dana Wilkey, but they aren’t considered cast members. Watch the just released trailer below, this season looks insanely juicy with lots of fights, meltdowns and high drama!

The critically acclaimed series, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, returns for a second season of glitz, glamor, and high drama. All six original over-the-top housewives are back including: Taylor Armstrong, Camille Grammer, Adrienne Maloof, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. Though not official “housewives,” this season the ladies are joined by two new friends: Brandi Glanville and Dana Wilkey, who certainly know how to spice things up in the world’s most famous zip code.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season Two

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Derrrrr, the ‘Jersey Shore’ (S4) trailer is out!

July 19, 2011 12:14 PM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Famewhores, Reality Tagged With: ,

So the fourth season of Jersey Shore is coming soon, and they’ve released the trailer and … and … oh God, I think it’s actually making me dumber (if that’s possible). Anyway, it features Snooki taking her car and making the crashey crashey into the police, and they got angry and made the cars go “WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!” and she went to the bad guy time-out place, and then the big one hit the situation on the face and the whores threw the glasses and drank mommy’s special no-cry juice and everyone loved everyone and it was the best summer ever herppy derpy derrrrrrrrr.

Jersey Shore

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First Look: The X Factor!

July 12, 2011 9:26 PM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Reality Tagged With: , , , , ,

OMG! I’m seriously looking forward to The X Factor making its way to the states this coming September, especially after the beyond lackluster tenth season of American Idol. The very thought of Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul sitting together making TV magic once again behind the judges’ table makes me completely giddy. They’ll be joined by fellow judges Nicole Scherzinger (it should have been Cheryl Cole, but I’m letting it go at this point) and L.A. Reid when the show premieres on FOX on Wednesday, September 21st at 8pm! Below is a brand new teaser video just released earlier this evening, at first I was like WTF is going on but then it all became crystal clear, Simon is finally back, just the way we like him!

The X Factor - L.A. Reid, Nicole Scherzinger, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell

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Everyone hates Paris Hilton’s reality show!

June 6, 2011 10:12 AM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Paris Hilton, Reality Tagged With:

Remember that new show that Paris Hilton was coming out with that she said was supposed to show a whole new side of her that would help people realize she’s an empathetic woman? Well it turns out it failed miserably, no one’s watching it, and the people who are think it’s the worst thing since sliced depression. It’s literally so bad, the ladies of The View actually had to call her out for being a deplorable, boring, useless, vapid, talentless skank to her face on the air.

Paris Hilton’s television comeback hit the pause button this week after a disastrous interview on The View, canceled press appointments and lackluster ratings for the premiere of her Oxygen reality show, The World According to Paris. Hilton was so distraught after being thrown tough questions by View co-host Barbara Walters on Wednesday that she screamed at a producer backstage. Hilton and her mother, Kathy, appeared on The View to promote her new show. Walters criticized Hilton for complaining in the first episode about her 200 hours of community service. She also questioned Hilton’s claims of doing charity work and her desire to help other female prisoners — neither of which is seen on the Oxygen show. Walters asked, “Why not present that side of yourself, if indeed it exists?” SOURCE

But wait, there’s more! I looked it up and Paris’ show only brought in 409,000 viewers. To put that in perspective, Aubrey O’Day‘s reality show took in 724,000, despite the fact that no one knows who Aubrey even is. Also, Paris’ show is currently the sixth worst reviewed show on Metacritic ever. Once again, to put that into perspective: Bridalplasty, the show were brides to be compete for plastic surgery so that they can look a Frankenstein horror for their husbands on their wedding day, was literally one notch above Paris’ show. That’s right: Women with body image issues fighting over fake tits is slightly more culturally uplifting than Paris Hilton trying and failing to not be a contemptible shrew.

Paris Hilton

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‘H8R’ is the logical conclusion to humanity!

May 26, 2011 7:22 AM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Famewhores, Reality Tagged With: , ,

Remember when I told you about that show H8R, where useless celebrities go out and try to convince people they’re not completely worthless by yelling at them like spoiled children who had their candy taken away? Well, the CW was kind enough to post two clips online from the show (hosted by Mario Lopez) featuring Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and Kim Kardashian and I was completely right: It’s awful! And I don’t mean bad as in “wow, Two and a Half Men sure is bad”, I mean “Holy fuck, H8R isn’t a show, it is a televised account of man’s inhumanity to man”. How this show isn’t consider a war crime is beyond me. But once again, my offer still stands: If any celeb who can’t take a joke wants to correct me on who I can/can’t make fun, by all means, drop us a line and we’ll take your argument into serious consideration. We’ll even send you a commemorative t-shirt! Probably. Okay, maybe not. We’re not made of t-shirts!

H8R with Mario Lopez

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Worst. Reality show. Ever.

May 24, 2011 8:36 AM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Famewhores, Reality Tagged With: , ,

You know what I love about reality shows? It’s the fact that, unlike real, scripted shows wherein progress is marked by character growth and new ideas, reality TV’s progress is based entirely on how morally bankrupt they can make it. Which is why they’re making a show where they take the most contemptible people on the planet and make them harass the people who rightly hate them.

The premise is simple enough – celebrities confront the people who truly and utterly loathe them in order to turn the hater’s opinion around. The catch is that the haters don’t know that the confrontation is coming, a recipe for cringe-worthy TV. After some one-on-one TV time, the haters usually come around and have a change of heart, deciding the celeb isn’t so awful after all. The first episode features Kim Kardashian and Jersey Shore star Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi confronting two young people who have just finished ripping them up on camera. SOURCE

Yes, make an entire TV show centered around giving the richest and most powerful people in pop culture another ego boost. Why not? Look, most of what I write on this site is meant entirely as humor and nothing more, but fact of the matter is, I don’t write any of this out of jealousy or hate; I write it because these people demand you keep buying and buying from them despite the fact that they don’t offer anything in return. They are, at best, total mooches on society. But hey, I’ll level with you: If any celebrity who finds offense with a couple little jokes I’ve made about them, by all means, try and change my mind. If it works? I won’t write about you ever again. Simple as that. But of course, the only way to change my mind would be to actually contribute to society in some meaningful way, and we all know that’s never gonna happen.

Kim Kardashian

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Bad News: The next season of ‘Jersey Shore’ is still on

May 9, 2011 11:38 AM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: Famewhores, Reality Tagged With: ,

Dammit, and we were *this* close too … anyway, despite rumors that the next season of Jersey Shore was delayed indefinitely (which is just fancy talk for CANCELED) because the Italian government didn’t want a bunch of slutty, drunk, faux Italians running around their city, it turns out the show is still on and it’s only been delayed slightly because the president of Italy is in town, and therefore they can’t film until the president leaves or Italy votes for a new one. Whichever comes first.

Our sources say there’s so much security and hoopla over the President’s visit Thursday, it would be too much of a hassle to shoot around it.  So they’re waiting till the Prez leaves, but shooting will begin late this week. Sources say stories circulating that production was shut down because the show couldn’t get city permits are bogus. Everyone is ready to roll, as soon as Mr. President says arrivederci. SOURCE

What the crap, Italy? You guys could have stopped this at any time. You could have looked at this and said “We have in our power the authority to make sure no one has to see Jersey Shore for just a little while longer”, but NOOOOOOOO. You just let it happen. You’re dead to me, Italy. I don’t think countries can actually die, but you get the point. You’re dead to me! Dead like Lincoln!

Jersey Shore

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Paula Abdul reunites with Simon Cowell for ‘The X Factor’

May 8, 2011 7:00 PM by Leave a Comment Filed Under: People, Reality Tagged With: , , , ,

This is seriously the best news ever … Paula Abdul (forever my girl) signed on late yesterday to be a part of the judges panel on Simon Cowell‘s talent search import The X Factor! The show has had a quite a successful run over in the UK and now Simon is finally bringing his hit show to the states (it’s set to premiere on FOX in September). His timing couldn’t be better, as American Idol has been seriously sucking this season without him, I don’t mind the new judges (Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler) but no one is really laying down the truth like Simon used to do (sometimes Randy Jackson does) plus I think the final people standing are terrible! I was beyond upset when Paula left Idol, I really loved the kooky chemistry between her and Simon (who didn’t?), I couldn’t be more thrilled they will be back together in primetime! The other two judges are music executive L.A. Reid, and English singer Cheryl Cole (girlfriend of super cutie Derek Hough), who was a judge in the UK and I know US audiences are definitely going to love her! Auditions just kicked off in Los Angeles today, and the winner is going to be walking off with a $5 million dollar recording contract, which I believe is the biggest prize ever given away via a reality show competition! There’s less than four months left before we can all see if this show is going to be a crossover hit for Mr. Cowell, I would bet my bottom dollar the show will live up to all the intense hype and will probably be a ratings goldmine, leaving Idol in the dust!

Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell

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