The one major downside to living in Los Angeles, other than the fact that the smog basically makes it look a city is wrapped in farts, is that bitches will sue you at the drop of a hat, especially if you have a history of high-profile legal shenanigans. Case in point: Some dummy is claiming that Lindsay Lohan beat the crap out of her in a club while in a drunken stupor. Except there’s just a teensy little hole in that story: Lindsay wasn’t at the club that night and she’s claiming the whole thing is one giant scam. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan and her attorney, Shawn Holley, will go to the West Hollywood Sheriff’s substation and ask detectives to investigate the woman accusing Lindsay of battering her — investigate her for filing a false police report. TMZ broke the story, the woman claims Lindsay pushed and shoved her at the Standard Hotel Thursday night. Two days later she went to the Sheriff’s Department and deputies took an incident report. But Lindsay insists she was at home Thursday night watching Homeland. What’s more … there is not a single photo of Lindsay inside or outside the Standard Hotel on Thursday night, and that is highly suspicious. Filing a false police report is a crime in California, punishable by 6 months in jail. Holley tells TMZ, “If it’s true that someone made false accusations against Ms. Lohan and reported those false claims to police, we will take appropriate action — which includes seeking the prosecution of that individual.”

In all fairness to the girl pressing charges, it could just be a matter of some random red-headed girl pushing the plaintiff, and the plaintiff’s brain automatically went through its memory bank, trying to figure out which famous person just shoved her so that she can sue someone famous and get mega-rich off of it. Or she just made the whole thing up. Either way, I for once want to believe Lindsay here, which means I’m going soft. I know, I’m disappointed in me too.

Well, sorta. After completing everything the judge ordered her to do, Lindsay Lohan is officially free from her formal probation, and now just has to go without breaking any laws for another 2 1/2 years, after which she can presumably break any law she wants to if I understand the poor wording of that decree. Via TMZ:

As for the necklace heist case, Judge Sautner said Lindsay completed community service at the morgue, therapy and the shoplifter’s course — so her formal probation is now informal probation, and all Lindsay has to do is OBEY ALL LAWS for the next 2 1/2 years. Sautner said, “I know it’s kinda hard when people are following you all over the place … but that’s the life you chose.”

Judge Sautner gave Lindsay some good advice, “Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work.” In the end, Lindsay and her lawyer, Shawn Holley, thanked the Judge. Lindsay said to the judge, “What you’ve done has really opened a lot of doors for me.” Then Lindsay and Shawn hugged. Happy endings.

The thing is that Lindsay could go out and hang with her friends and drink all she wants, as long as she’s actually responsible about it. Personally, I’m of the mind that you can do whatever you want as long as what you do doesn’t infringe on other people. Yes, Lindsay can go out whenever she wants, as long as she works hard to balance it out, and drinks responsibly, and doesn’t act like an entitled moron. If she can pull all that off, then she can do whatever she wants. It’s that easy.

Now that Lindsay Lohan has more or less cleared her probation and is working (sorta) to try and rehabilitate her image, Lindsay is vowing that she will never see another judge as long as she lives. Which I’m going to assume means she’ll probably be seeing one by the end of the year. TMZ reports:

Lindsay was on break at the L.A. County morgue Wednesday — where she officially completed her community service obligation — when she vowed to stay clear of all courtrooms for the rest of her life. As for her big post-probation celebration tonight — Lindsay said she plans to grab dinner with her sister, and that’s about it. Lindsay also says she doesn’t plan to see her intrepid lawyer Shawn Holley very often after today’s hearing — but adds, Shawn “is still a good person in my life. She’s been there for me.”

Does Lindsay realize she lives in L.A.? As in, the odds of someone trying to take her to court or her getting sued or any of the other scenarios wherein she must see a judge are pretty much 1:1? Unless of course she’s playing with the wording of this whole ‘never see a judge again’ and has vowed to simply walk around wearing a blindfold at all times. “I sure showed you all!” she will say as she walks into court, tapping her cane on the ground.

Just in case you were wondering if Lindsay Lohan‘s quote-unquote “hit-and-run” could get any more fake and litigious, it just did: turns out, Lindsay’s quote-unquote “victim” is demanding $100K from her, or else he’ll try and shop around the video of him getting hit by her car. Yeah, good luck with that. Via TMZ:

Sources connected with alleged victim Thaer Kamal tell TMZ … Mark Geragos — Kamal’s lawyer — has contacted Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, and made the demand … and Geragos made it clear that his client has not yet cooperated with cops by sitting down for an interview. We’re also told Geragos claims to have a surveillance video showing Lindsay behind the wheel as her Porsche strikes Kamal, then getting out of the car and wobbling into the passenger seat as the passenger takes the wheel and drives off. But our sources say none of the witnesses corroborate what Geragos claims is on video. We’re told Geragos gave Holley a deadline of today. That’s significant because Lindsay is due in court on Thursday for her final probation progress hearing. If Kamal goes to cops and presents evidence of hit-and-run, Judge Stephanie Sautner could violate Lindsay’s probation and she could go directly to jail.

I like to imagine the following conversation would occur if the two were ever in the same room:

Mark: So … you have my money.
Lindsay: Yeah, about that, you do realize I hit a freaking baby, right?
Mark: What?
Lindsay: Yup, ran right into a baby carriage with my car. With a baby inside of it. On video. You know what happened? Absolutely nothing.
Mark: I’m going down, aren’t I?
Lindsay: Oh yeah.

You can take Lindsay Lohan out of the crazy, but you can’t take the crazy out of Lindsay Lohan. Mostly because she was raised by Dina and Michael Lohan, so you can’t really blame her. Anyway, while LiLo is under house arrest, porn star Alex Torres aka Voodoo (I don’t know who he is either, but he’s from Toronto apparently) went on Newstalk 1010 up here in T.O. to talk about how he had sex with Lindsay while her Dad was upstairs sleeping. RadarOnline reports:

“Ask him [Michael Lohan] if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs,” Voodoo says. “I’m not joking!”

Not only does Voodoo claim to have had “relations” with Lindsay, but he makes it sound like she paid him.

“Many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come and satisfy them. I’m not joking!” he says.

To clarify, host Jim Richards says, “So you’ve been with Lindsay Lohan?”

“I’m saying that,” Voodoo confirms.

Say what you will, but this is still a GIGANTIC step up from Terry Richardson, because … ewww, gross. At least Voodoo or Alex Torres or whatever his real name is has a job, so at least she’s getting closer now. “So, do I sleep with the weird, gross artist guy, or do I sleep with the guy who actually has a job and video proof he’s good at sex? Hmmmmmm …”

Like the rest of us, Lindsay Lohan knows that she still has just two more weeks to go before her probation ends and she can go back to … whatever it is LiLo does, I guess? Beats the hell outta me. Anyway, Lindsay also knows that there’s no way in hell she’ll be able to go another two weeks without effing up, so Lindsay has decided to put herself under house arrest. Because her last house arrest totally didn’t end with her getting drunk and throwing massive parties in her place, right? Right. TMZ reports:

According to our sources, the latest incident prompted people close to Lindsay to beg her to stop going out at night until her probation is over. We’re told Lindsay agreed and will now only leave her house when she really has to … like for her court ordered community service at the morgue.

Although don’t get it twisted: Lindsay can still make herself look like an idiot from the comfort of her own home, as shown by her continuing lawsuit against Pitbull, who she thinks damaged her irreparably by referencing her in a song. TMZ reports again:

In legal docs filed this week in New York, Pitbull responded to the suit and pointed out that he rapped about Seacrest in the same song — and noted Ryan not only didn’t sue, but Pitbull performed the song as part of a New Year’s Eve show … hosted by Seacrest! Translation — Seacrest has a sense of humor, Lindsay does not. Pitbull also cited the lesser known First Amendement in his bid to get the case dismissed.

Yes, the damage is irreparable, until you remember the following three things:

1. Not a single person heard that song and went “Yeah, that Lindsay Lohan sure is in jail a lot! Let’s never hire her again!”
2. Ryan Seacrest, one of the most humorless people ever, couldn’t even get his frosted tips in a twist over the song.
3. Lindsay Lohan is an idiot. I’m sorry, but she is.

Despite the fact that this one has all the classic elements of a Lindsay Lohan tale — a club, a car, a litigious asshole, Lindsay claiming zero responsibility for her actions — Lindsay is of course denying that she did anything wrong the night of her alleged hit and run, and that she was ever the saintly virgin of pure morals and values. Access Hollywood reports:

“Scrape? This is all a complete lie. I’ve been at community service,” Lohan said in a message posted on her WhoSay page. “Last night, I attempted to wish a friend happy birthday, which I didn’t even get to do because I was freaked out by all of the paparazzi. These false accusations are absurd.” Lohan’s rep also spoke out against the allegations. “Lindsay stopped by the club to drop in on a friend’s birthday party. When she arrived, there were so many photographers there that she decided to leave and never even got out of the car,” the rep said in a statement released to Access Hollywood on Wednesday. “At no point was there ever any indication that her car hit anyone or anything. We are confident this matter will be cleared up in the next few days.”

All right, we have been presented with two opposing theories: the first, that Lindsay is a maniacal vehicular manslaughterer, and the other that Lindsay is an angelic victim of circumstance. So of course, like most matters in life, the fact of the matter is that the truth most likely resides somewhere in the middle of this: Lindsay is an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that the paparazzi will follow her when she goes out clubbing because that’s the price of celebrity, and when confronted with a group of them in front of her car, she freaked out and drove away, and in this time she slightly bumped someone who, after realizing he was just barely touched by Lindsay Lohan’s car, decided to sue. Stop me if I’m getting too close.