Snooki is having a baby boy!

Because Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi is actually going to go through with this, In Touch gave her a cover story to tell the world that she’s having a baby boy. Fantastic, now we have a proper pronoun for whom we must pray for.

Snooki tells In Touch that she and Jionni LaValle are deciding between two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr. And while she’s thrilled to welcome a son, the 24-year-old admits she was hoping for a mini-me. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls,” Snooki says, at first disappointed, but adding, “It’s still my baby, no matter what. I’m excited either way!”

Proudly showing off her baby bump at the exclusive photo shoot, the mom-to-be says she’s traded in her beloved pickles and now craves icy, cold treats. “I love anything cold and juicy, like Italian ices.” But even more surprising? While some women find their sex drive enhanced during pregnancy, you won’t find Snooki and Jionni anywhere near the smush room! “Our sex life is hardly there! I just feel too icky and gross,” Snooki confides. “I’m so not in the mood to do stuff.”

Wait, so is the fact that he doesn’t have to have sex with Snooki a plus or what? This one could honestly go either way, and it’s only going to be exacerbated by the fact that sex after pregnancy can hurt like a bitch. Seriously, STITCHES. It requires STITCHES down there after you give birth. Say YES to drugs.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi and Jionni LaValle

Khloé and Lamar pulled the plug on their reality show

First: HAHAHAHAHA! Dummies! All right, that felt good to say, now onto the actual news. In an effort to cutdown on the various Kardashian shows that follow the “[Insert Kardashian Whore here] and [Insert relative here] take [Random city that's about to experience a severe syphilis outbreak]” title equation, Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom have pulled the plug on their reality show. On the plus side, they’re already being picked up by another reality TV show, Finding Bigfoot. TMZ reports:

Lamar Odom and Khloé Kardashian have decided to pull the plug on their spin-off show Khloé & Lamar. Sources tell TMZ, the show’s second season will be its last … because Lamar wants to focus on reviving his fizzling NBA career. As we previously reported, Lamar was relegated to the Dallas Mavericks’ inactive list after putting up career low numbers this season. If he’s lucky, he’ll be traded. If not, who knows …

In all seriousness, I’ll be sad to see them go. Nah, I’m just screwing with you guys, Khloé and Lamar’s show sucked and they themselves suck too. On the plus side, now E! finally has more room for shows about maternal failures forcing their infant daughters to participate in beauty pageants.

Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom

The Kardashians are paid way too much!

How was your day? Good? Do you feel loved by the people closest to you? That we live in a fair and just world? That there is a higher power and that he/she/it is a benevolent being who only wants good for us? Well, the Kardashian clan just inked a deal for a whopping $40 Million bucks to make three more seasons of their crappy, vapid and fake reality shows. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Via TMZ:

Sources connected to the deal tell TMZ … Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kris and Bruce will get the lion’s share of the money … and they are each getting equal pay. We’re told Kendall, Kylie and Rob are on a lower pay grade — and will be paid equally as well. Scott Disick and his son Mason have a separate deal. Ditto for Lamar … who hammered out a package deal to appear in both Khloé and Lamar and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. We’re told the new deal ONLY includes existing shows — so if Kim and Kanye get a new spinoff show … they will have to bang out a new contract for even MORE money.

So basically, rich, untalented people are getting paid a ridiculous amount of money so that they can be even richer and more untalented, and poor stupid people are footing the bill? The Usual Suspects was lying: the greatest trick the devil pulled wasn’t convincing us he didn’t exist. It was convincing us to tune into E! to watch a bunch of bored, screechy sasquatches play out their vacuous and awful lives.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Kris Jenner is thrilled with Kim’s new publicity stunt

Wait, did I say publicity stunt? I meant boyfrie- Well, actually, no. I meant publicity stunt. ‘Boyfriend’ would entail that Kim Kardashian can actually feel things. Anyway, since Kim and Kanye West are officially a thing now, Kris Jenner has decided to announce that she’s just so thrilled with the happy new couple and all the attention they’ll bring in to each other’s lives. RadarOnline reports:

“Kris is thrilled about Kim’s new romance with Kanye,” a source close to the Kardashian family tells Radar. “She loves that they’re together and thinks Kanye is a huge step up for Kim after her marriage to Kris Humphries.” Kim’s mom has been the driving force behind her career, from encouraging her to pose nude in Playboy to managing her numerous endorsements, and this new romance is just what Kris was hoping for her daughter. “Dating Kanye puts Kim in a whole new stratosphere,” the source says. “Kris was just a basketball player making a few million dollars a year, but Kanye is a world-wide multi-millionaire superstar. His money and fame are all going to benefit Kim now and she’s going to have all the perks of being his girlfriend, and her mom thinks this is going to be great for her own career.” Kris manages all of her daughters’ careers, but Kim is the most successful, and the source says she sees a golden egg with the Kanye relationship. “Kris Jenner is so happy that her daughter is dating Kanye, and she wants to make sure she maximizes all the attention Kim is going to get, as well as the financial opportunities this is going to open up for her now.”

All right, here’s the thing: When I said Kris was happy about the attention they would bring each other, rather than the love or happiness, I was just joking. Except when I wrote that joke, I was assuming that Kris was a normal human being and that she had some sort of sense of decency and priorities. Except whoops! No she doesn’t! Remember: Kris is such an awful human being, that she’s actually beyond the point of satire or parody. She’s a living goddamn joke.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner

OctoMom: I won’t touch other human flesh!

Once upon a time, a delusional woman figured that if she paid out the ass to look like Angelina Jolie and crap out a bunch of kids she had no feasible way of raising, people would give her money and fame and attention. Little did she know that no one cares about how many babies you can put in a vagina, unless that vagina belongs to a teenager, in which case MTV will give you boob implants in exchange for airing your terrible decisions. So now Nadya ‘OctoMom’ Suleman is on food stamps and still refuses to do porn, not even for $100 Million. Despite the fact that it’s one of the only ways she could possibly supplement her income and keep her kids from growing impoverished and resentful, she won’t ‘touch other human flesh’ because somehow that’s the moral high ground she’s ready to die on. RadarOnline reports:

“I feel ashamed, but who cares how I feel? It’s 100% about my children,” Suleman asked and answered, noting she hopes to get off public assistance as soon as she can. “They deserve everything, they deserve the best.” Acknowledging her topless spread for a UK magazine recently, Suleman said she wouldn’t do full-on porn — even if the offer was $100 million. “I won’t touch other human flesh,” Suleman said. “The only flesh I’m touching is my own. I would never, never accept anything. I will not lose my grip of my deeply indoctrinated morals and values. Suleman said that “every choice we parents make is going to significantly affect our children for the rest of our lives — it’s going to haunt them forever — I have to be the ultimate positive role model.’’

Nadya 'OctoMom' Suleman

The Kardashians lipsynced for their lives!

The Kardashian family … your reality television shows are ratings bonanzas, but the judges thought your performances were all glitter and no substance. I’m sorry my dears, but you are all up for elimination. Prior to tonight’s elimination, you were asked to put together a performance to Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge. Good luck, and don’t fuck it up.

… that was fucking awful. Sashay away. (To everyone who has never seen RuPaul’s Drag Race and therefore didn’t get any of that: you are not good people.)

The Kardashians

Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman posed naked!

A couple years ago, back when Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman was still a thing and people just couldn’t get enough of the batshit crazy lady who pushed out eight kids when she already had six she had no way of caring for, Vivid Video offered her $1,000,000 to do a porno with them. Of course, she said no, because she was too good to put ridiculous things in her vagina for money. Pushing ridiculous things out of her vagina for money was a whole other matter. So here she is posing naked for the British magazine Closer for $10,000, because she always makes great life choices. TMZ reports:

Nadya Suleman is days away from being homeless … the house she owns that has been in and out of foreclosure for more than a year will be sold at an auction Thursday … so Octo needs a new crib for her brood … stat. The dilemma — getting first and last month’s rent together, so Octo has gone naked. She posed for the European magazine, Closer. Sources tell TMZ … Octo got $10,000 for the shoot, which is what she needs to rent a new place. Octo is being very up front now about some misgivings about having 14 kids, saying, “I’m doing that (posing nude) because I need to feed my kids. I need to pay the bills. And I’m still very cognizant of the repercussions of my choices.”

Of course, if you’re like me you’re probably asking why she turned her nose up at $1,000,000 when she knew she had to do everything she could to keep her 14 kids from dying of starvation, only to settle for 1% of the pay day for doing the exact same thing years later. To which I say: this is the same woman who thought having more kids than she could afford would also be a fiscally responsible decision. You can’t question why Nadya does what she does because she’s morally vacuous and thinks losing money is the same as earning money. It’s the perfect storm of unlogic and moral nothingness.

Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman

Khloé Kardashian is done with PETA

Do you want to know how awful a human being Kim Kardashian is? Ever since she got flour bombed, PETA has been supporting the woman who floured her, and I have in turn been supporting PETA. I mean, I love animals, but still … PETA? Too far. Anyway, now Khloé Kardashian has decided that if PETA is going to throw her sister under the bus, she doesn’t want anything to do with them either. Yeah, I’m sure they must be crushed.

Hi dolls. I’m sure you all heard what happened to Kim last week (thank you SO much for the love and support you all showed her), and I just received word that the woman responsible has very close ties to PETA, despite PETA publicly stating otherwise. Not only has PETA lied to the public, but they have proved that they support this kind of behavior. I’ve been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time but I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment for me. As you all know, I don’t condone violence and bullying and what happened last Thursday was just that. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions — I personally don’t wear fur but that doesn’t mean I am going to force my views on anyone else, ESPECIALLY by violating them. I am a very proud sister right now, because Kim handled last week’s incident like a champ. She got cleaned up and was back out there in a matter of minutes. Go Kimmie! We all need to practice what we preach. I will still continue to NOT wear fur, but I will no longer support PETA. Bullying and harassment is NEVER a solution, and I won’t be a part of any organization that thinks otherwise.

What, you mean we’ll never be able to see your naked ass again whenever something bad happens to an animal? Yeah, what a shame. Actually, you guys should fight some more. Who knows what other essential resources you can take away from each other? I want to see a full-on war between both sides. Whoever loses, the Earth wins.

Khloé Kardashian

Kendra Wilkinson: TALENTZ. I DO NOT HAZ DEM LOL.

No way. Really? Apparently, someone must have finally gotten through to Kendra Wilkinson, because here she is telling People magazine that she has no talent.

“I never ever see myself as a celebrity or famous so I poke fun at that,” the reality star told People while hosting MGM Grand’s Wet Republic pool party on Friday. “I just say what I do. I have no talent. I have nothing to offer.” Wilkinson, who pranced around her VIP cabana in a white bikini and blue see-through cover-up, said she appreciates her status as a reality star on Kendra but doesn’t take it for granted. “I live my life on TV – it’s like a home video,” Wilkinson, 26, says of the show, which documents her life with husband Hank Baskett and their son Hank IV. “I’m very aware of what I do and I’m very aware of how quickly my career could end. Every season I cross my fingers and hope the show gets picked up but it’s out of my hands and in my fans’ hands.”

Here’s the thing: it’s fantastic that Kendra is self-aware. Great for her. That being said, if you went to a hospital and the first thing your doctor said was “I have no medical expertise whatsoever, but I’m cheap so why not take a chance on me?” You probably wouldn’t use them. If you’re in the entertainment business, it should be because you have some sort of talent or ability to entertain people. If you knowingly have zero talent yet still expect people to pay you for having no talent, you’re doing it wrong.

Kendra Wilkinson

Rob Kardashian almost got arrested

All right, yes, Rob Kardashian barely counts as a Kardashian because his name doesn’t begin with a K and he doesn’t have his own reality TV show to constantly annoy the world with, but he’s still a Kardashian dammit. Which is why I giggled a little bit when I read this story about him nearly getting arrested after he decided he would chase down a photographer as a prank. Ha ha! TMZ reports:

Sources close to Rob tell TMZ he was out with some friends when he saw a photog taking pictures from across the street. We’re told Rob thought it would be funny to start sprinting towards the photog … but the photog didn’t laugh and instead ran away screaming for help. According to our sources, Rob followed the guy into a smoke shop to try and clear the air (no pun intended) but the police saw the whole thing and decided to get involved.

Yes, the entire thing was a joke, but oh, how close we were to a Kardashian in jail. At this point, I think it’s more or less the only thing the family hasn’t done for attention, they already staged a fake wedding and kept an unwanted pregnancy for the sole purpose of turning it into a TV special. Jail just seems like the next logical step. I swear, if Kim and Kourtney Take Rikers isn’t a thing by the end of the year, I have severely overestimated Kris Jenner‘s desperation/ability to turn just about anything into awful TV.

Rob Kardashian

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