The Kardashians are being sued over QuickTrim

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: the Kardashian family was paid to endorse a product that either doesn’t work or completely screws over the user, and then everyone was all like “wait, this product is bullshit!” and then the Kardashians get sued for trying to pimp out a useless product. Oh, wait, you have heard this one before? Well, what if I told you that instead of a credit card for teenage girls that will send them to the poor house, this time it’s a useless diet pill full of caffeine? Page Six reports:

Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloé face a possible class-action lawsuit over their diet product QuickTrim, which detractors say contains high levels of caffeine, an ingredient that’s “not safe or effective for weight loss.” Kim and Khloé caused a stir over their paid endorsement of the product, which features a picture of bikini-clad Kim. It has reportedly generated $45 million in revenue since they struck the deal with New Jersey-based Windmill Health Products in 2009. Law firm Bursor & Fisher is preparing a suit against Windmill and the marketing claims made by the Kardashians. An email it sent to product users included a link to the firm’s web site, which states, “The active ingredient in QuickTrim weight loss products is a large dose of caffeine … the FDA has determined that caffeine is not safe or effective for weight loss.”

Wait, do people still think that diet pills actually work? And do people still think that the Kardashians are anything other than money grubbing famewhores who would try and sell you poison as mouthwash if someone paid them enough? No offense, but I’m not sure how well this lawsuit is going to hold up since in a rational world, anyone who saw Kim and Khloé Kardashian hawking shady diet pills and thought “me too!” should have been eaten by wolves by now.

Kim and Khloé Kardashian

Big Ang does Marilyn Monroe!

Just last Friday, we gave you the gift — or was it a curse? — of Courtney Stodden dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. Now here’s VH1′s Mob Wives breakout star Angela ‘Big Ang’ Raiola doing her best Seven Year Itch thing on the latest cover of Next magazine. Once again: just because you stick a talentless famewhore in a white dress and blow wind up her ass until you can see her panties, does not make a Marilyn. Also, MY EYES. SWEET JESUS MY EYES. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Angela 'Big Ang' Raiola does Marilyn Monroe

Khloé and Lamar broke a sex swing!

Because Kris Jenner demanded that Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom engage in wacky sexual hijinks for everyone to see (’cause her bottom bitch Kim Kardashian is still trying to get rid of her last John. That’s why you always make sure they leave the $18 Million on the nightstand.) Khloé and Lamar decided to try and install a sex swing in their house. Except it turns out neither of them knows how to actually install a sex swing, so of course the damn thing collapsed the moment they tried to use it. It should be noted that when you properly install them, a sex swing can hold upwards of 1,000 lbs. I’m not going to say that Khloé weighs more than that, unless she’s made of dark matter or something, but maybe Lamar might want to reach around in his pants until he finds his balls again if he can’t even install a simple sling.

Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom

Khloé Kardashian asked Kim to be her surrogate?

I used to think that Khloé Kardashian would be a good mother because as far as I could tell she was probably the least money and attention hungry out of the Kardashian whorebeast clan. Except now Kim Kardashian is claiming that Khloé asked her to be a surrogate mother, and now I’m starting to think I might have been wrong, because who would willingly put anything in Kim’s vagina unless they wanted to watch it dissolve into a screaming puddle? RadarOnline reports:

“Do I want kids of my own? Absolutely,” she reveals to the fashion magazine. “But I don’t know if that’s what’s meant for me. Maybe I’ll just work, work, work, and not think about it.” Khloé, who has been openly struggling to get pregnant with her NBA husband’s child, is apparently exploring all options! “Khloé joked with me and said, ‘Will you be my surrogate?’” Kim reveals. “I think I have a couple more years when I just want my body to myself. At 35, I promise I’ll consider it.”

Khloé and Kim Kardashian

The Situation: I’m not gay!

A couple of days ago, Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley dropped the bomb that Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino, the guy who is always shirtless and hanging around with other shirtless men, might be just the teensiest bit … gay. Super gay. Really, really, reeeeeeeeeally gay. So of course, it’s time for The Sitch to go on the defensive and try and convince everyone he’s not gay because something like that might hurt his “endorsements”. Yeah, sure, why not. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

“Mike really ripped both Snooki and JWoww a new one,” a show insider told me Wednesday. “He’s extremely upset,” added the source, saying Sorrentino is concerned those comments could hurt his brand marketing efforts, which are very much focused on straight male customers. The reality TV star’s publicist issued a statement denying the gay gab, calling Snooki and JWoww’s speculation “the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard.”

No, I think the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard is “The Situation is a celebrity who makes millions of dollars per year”, and yet somehow that’s true. Go figure. Anyway, I love how The Situation is trying to frame this as some sort of massive endorsement loss, because when was the last time you’ve ever seen a gay advertise anything? Other than Ellen DeGeneres shilling for JC Penney, but we all know that’s just a front for the “Hao-mao-seck-shill invasion of Amurikah”. Thanks, One Million Moms!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino

Kris Jenner likes instant sexual gratification!

Hope you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight (or ever again!) because here comes a story about how Kris Jenner is lining herself up as the new face for Zestra brand lubricants, which is what you use when you want to have sex long after God dictates that your junk is too dry and flabby for that shit. Oh, and Kris talks about her vagina in her little testimonial for the product, so say goodbye to your penis because it just shot itself in the head. Us Weekly reports:

“You can’t always plan a romantic dinner or wait for a vacation to have amazing sex, so you have to take advantage of those moments of mutual intimacy,” Jenner says in her testimonial. “For me, [Zestra provides] instant gratification. In a busy, complicated, hectic life, you can still fit in the time for sex, and you know it’s going to be enjoyable.”

The E! reality star believes Zestra can “add a little excitement” to any woman’s love life.
“Relationships have ebbs and flows and ups and downs that you just have to go with. You have to find simple ways to spice it up — to keep feeding the fire and keep monotony out of monogamy,” Kris says. “All of us have those moments when we look at our partner and think to ourselves, ‘Seriously? Not you again.’ And, then other times, they are the cutest thing in the world. Try something new and keep an open mind.”

Asks Jenner: “Why wouldn’t you want to try something that makes sex feel amazing and works in minutes?”

Look, don’t get it twisted by thinking this is some sort of ageist thing. It’s not that I don’t want old people to have sex. It’s just that I don’t want this specific old person to have sex, and then tell everyone about it. Let’s face it, Kris is a massive whorebeast, and her vagina is so dry that the friction from kegeling will cause it to burst into flames. If you’re going to get someone to promote “great sex”, maybe try someone whose vagina doesn’t look and feel like sand paper drapes.

Kris Jenner

Khloé Kardashian took a picture with her ‘Dad’

Because Kris Jenner thinks it’s absolutely hilarious to make a media spectacle out of revealing who Khloé Kardashian‘s real father is (HA! World changing truths!), Kylie Jenner decided it would be hilarious to post a picture of Khloé with her rumored father (Kris’ hairstylist Alex Roldan) on Twitter. Because why not turn another major life event into yet another desperate plea for attention and whore dollars?

@KylieJenner: First official photo of my sister and her dad! Like father like daughter!

Which was immediately followed by:

@KylieJenner: It was a joke everyone! Lol!

“HA! Remember that time we posted a picture of you and your supposed father on the web, and then it turns out he actually was your Dad and we were lying to you the whole time and he was your Dad and we actually made a mockery of the fact that you didn’t actually know who you’re Dad was? HA! Good times, good times … hey, where did you get that knife?” – Kris Jenner’s last words.

Khloé Kardashian and Alex Roldan

Snooki and JWoww think The Situation could be gay!

Considering Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is best known for lifting up his shirt to flash his abs, shopping for designer clothes, and generally just being a pissy queen, it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that there are gay rumors about him. Turns out, his cast members believe them too, because in a new interview with the Huffington Post, his fellow Jersey Shore famewhores Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley both went on the record to talk about how they’re pretty sure Mike could be gay. What gave it away? The balls on his chin?

What about Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino? What’s the deal? Gay? Not gay?

Snooki: Do you think he’s gay?

It wouldn’t shock me. Whenever he brings a girl home something always seems to go awry and they don’t end up hooking up.

Snooki: And he gives them men’s clothing to wear.

JWoww: And his posture and the way he holds his cigarettes … everything. Listen, I know I keep talking about my best friend Joey, but his husband was closeted for 27 years of his life. And I knew him before he came out. So because of that I know … the signs.

Snooki: Did you know the whole time that he was gay?

JWoww: Yeah! And it drove me nuts! I’m like, “Be happy with yourself!”

Snooki: Was he like, “No, I’m not”?

JWoww: He had a girlfriend! I was just like, “I would love you more if you could be yourself.” I can’t confirm or deny with Mike, but if he was, it would all make sense.

Say what you will about all this, but part of me thinks that Mike would probably a lot less bitchy and passive-aggressive if he just got a good dickin’ every once in a while. Call me old fashioned, but you wouldn’t believe how quickly people calm down after a good dickin’. Why back on the farm, all the guys used to talk about how they would go home after a long day’s work and simmer down with a hardy ol’ fashioned good dickin’ (not gonna lie, I just wanted to see how many times I could write the phrase “good dickin’” and get away with it).

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino

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