I think we all thought this one was too fail to be true, right? Right. Anyway, at the risk of disappointing you all, it turns out Lindsay Lohan is denying that Courtney Love is her sobriety coach, although when you think about it, this is just the words of one cracked-out blonde against the words of another cracked out blonde. It’s like watching two armless men try to punch each other to death. Gossip Cop reports:

The site quotes Love as saying that she’s taken over as Lohan’s sobriety coach “because no one else will,” and that the actress is “further down the line than I was” with those same issues. RadarOnline then has an anecdote in which Love recounts to Details about how she tried to help Lohan.

“I went up to Lindsay’s room one time and there was a show on called 101 Celebrity Oops and I am like every other one, you know – boobs out, legs everywhere, throwing s**t at Madonna, you know, whatever … I’m like ‘Lindsay, look! Drugs are bad!’”

Not only is that last quote confusing, but a rep for the mag says the anecdote isn’t even in the Details article. Oops. So, is Love really Lohan’s sobriety coach? Nope. Lohan tells Gossip Cop exclusively, “She’s not.”

Our first mistake was assuming Courtney was capable of talking and Lindsay was capable of listening.

Courtney: Lindsay, you garble blarble gluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurg.
Lindsay: Shut the hell up! I’m perfect and I can do whatever I want!

Then they would both smoke / snort / drink / punch / pass out. Stop me if I’m being to prescient here.

Who am I kidding? There’s nothing else I can add to that headline. Courtney Love is Lindsay Lohan‘s sobriety coach. There’s more raw human failure in that simple sentence than there is in 1,000 Ed Hardy shirts. Here’s the quote from RadarOnline, which I’m sure will be used in the coroner’s report:

The 47-year-old Hole singer said the 25-year-old Mean Girls star is “further down the line than I was” in her issues, pointing out she didn’t have to undergo the white-hot spotlight of gossip websites during her wild child phase. Love recalled an incident in which she tried to use her past bad behavior to show Lohan that drug use is life abuse. “I went up to Lindsay’s room one time and there was a show on called 101 Celebrity Oops and I am like every other one, you know – boobs out, legs everywhere, throwing s**t at Madonna, you know, whatever,” Kurt Cobain’s widow told the magazine. “I’m like ‘Lindsay, look! Drugs are bad!’”

“Before I met Kurt, I was more or less clean, but then Kurt earned his first million and decided to become a junkie, and I decided to become a junkie along with him,” she said in May. “That’s the co-dependent side of me.” Love, who says she’s been clean since 2005, credits A-list actor Orlando Bloom with helping her sober up.

Oh joy, one droopy, lifeless, haggard, drugged-up, alcoholic blonde is giving life advice to another one. I’m not going to say that this will inevitably end when one of them OD’s after stabbing the other for that one last hit off the crack pipe, but meth will do that to you! Yup, that about covers it.