It’s Abraham Lincoln. KILLING VAMPIRES. Honestly, the only time anyone should have to explain to you why this concept is awesome is if you’ve just won a battery-eating contest. Yes, it sounds like it was written by opening a can of alphabet soup and pouring it over Mad Libs, but seriously: ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER. This is the most awesomely nonsensical mashup of great things since Turducken.

Here’s the awkward thing about The Watch: Originally, it was called Neighborhood Watch, and it was about a bunch of paranoid middle-aged guys (including Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Seth Rogen) on a self-appointed neighborhood watch with guns. The movie coincided with the Trayvon Martin case, wherein a paranoid middle-aged guy on a self-appointed neighborhood watch shot a defenseless kid in Florida. See how that might be seen as unfortunate? Well, it turn out the movie (out on July 27th) is actually about aliens or some shit, so at least it’s somewhat removed from reality. Still, that is some crap timing.

For the sake of clarity, the following post has been translated into male id, the only language capable of accurately expressing the themes of The Expendables 2. Boom boom smashey crashey pow pow pow kick punch GUN boom. Rifle explosion testicles kick boom crashey F*CKIN’ AMERICA BOOOYAH. Bullet smashey boom punch kick punch erection. GUN! GUN! GUN! GUN! Chuck Norris. KABOOOOOOM! The Expendables 2 opens in theaters on August 17th.