LiLo wants people to buy her gifts!

So yesterday, we assaulted your eyeballs with Lindsay Lohan‘s coke bloat chic, and we apologize for that. It was not called for. Here’s a picture of a puppy to make up for it. All better? Good, because we’re diving back into that puffy white cavern of despair with this story of Lindsay acting like an entitled crackerjack at amfAR’s benefit, wherein she demanded that people buy her $20,000 auction “gifts” because she’s LiLo. Come for the greedy crackhead diva antics, stay for the denial from her representatives! Page Six reports:

Spies said that when Lohan recognized a wealthy Canadian financier at a nearby table, she shot over to schmooze him — but then sent an assistant over when bidding on the charity auction began.

“There were items being auctioned for $20,000,” said a spy. “After chatting with the businessman, Lindsay sent over an assistant, who said, ‘Lindsay would very much like it if you’d bid on this item as a gift.’ ”

However, the gentleman declined. “He just cracked up,” our source said — and the piece, believed to be a Hublot diamond watch with a white alligator strap, went to another bidder.

Lindsay was overheard telling guests she was at the gala because of her role playing Elizabeth Taylor, a major amfAR donor, in an upcoming Lifetime movie. The platinum-blond starlet wore a white dress and a coat with long fur cuffs and long fur trim (bringing to mind a glam, shaved yeti).

Asked about Lohan’s assistant’s request, her rep sniffed: “This is another instance of people making up stories about Lindsay.”

I totally didn’t know you could do that! I didn’t know you could just go up to random people you don’t know, then have a third party try and shake them down for gifts you haven’t actually earned. Bear in mind, this is Lindsay, a woman who has created some sort of Entitlement Narnia in her head where everyone must agree with everything she does and give into her every whim because she used to be a hot, talented, promising actress six years ago.

Lindsay Lohan

Well, Lindsay Lohan looks … not so great

Soooo, Lindsay Lohan was apparently invited to an amfAR event — or maybe she crashed this party too. Who can even tell anymore? — and decided that the best way to raise awareness for AIDS research was by showing up looking like she was dying. Seriously, to anyone who says Lindsay is the picture of perfect health and sensible decisions, I give you Anna Nicole Smith 2.0. RadarOnline reports:

In Hollywood, where so many people want to look young, veteran actress Lindsay Lohan is looking a tad older than her 25 years. The Mean Girls star, sporting bleach blonde locks with bangs, wore a long white dress by Tom Ford and a coat with patches of fur on it at the 2012 amfAR New York Gala at the Cipriani Wall Street.

No, seriously, what the hell is going on here? What exactly does a 25-year-old girl have to do to end up looking like her 50-year-old? Aside from crack, jack, heroine, crystal, tina, angel dust, and vegan pot banana bread. Look, you can pretend that LiLo is doing fine and we’re doing some great disservice to her by pointing at what she’s become and going “Oh, hey, that’s not right”, but who are we kidding, it’d be worse to just nod in agreement and say “Great life choices, Lindsay! Keep doing exactly what you’re doing!”

Lindsay Lohan

Here come the lawsuits from Lindsay Lohan!

As anyone with a See ‘n Say knows, the cow goes “moo”, the duck goes “quack”, and the Lindsay Lohan goes “I WILL SUE YOU! *Snort*”. So of course Lindsay is whipping out a lawsuit against RadarOnline after they ran a story about how eye witnesses allegedly saw her “on something” at Chateau Marmont, where she is currently living. Oh yes, did we mention she’s living right above the most famous bar in Hollywood? Because she’s living above the most famous bar in Hollywood. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan says there’s NO TRUTH to reports she was boozing at a SAG Awards after party this weekend … and now, TMZ has learned, she’s threatening to SUE the media outlets that published the story in the first place. A source close to the actress tells TMZ … Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys … because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. Lindsay acknowledges she WAS at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night … but insists she was sitting with Alan Cummings the whole time and ONLY drank water.

Of course, this begs yet another question: Specifically, why in the name of sweet baby fucksauce would a respected actor like Alan Cummings allow himself to be seen with Lindsay. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Lindsay is trying to revive her career by sucking the careers out of respected, talented actors like Shang Tsung sucking the souls out of the other Mortal Kombat fighters. Although if Mortal Kombat has taught me anything, it’s that she’s easily beaten by getting her tipsy, then pressing down-left-right-punch to FINISH HER! … I may be confusing video games with reality again.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan was partying at Chateau Marmont

Despite the fact that Lindsay Lohan seems to have finally gotten herself on the right track and is currently following through on her probation, Lindsay decided to reward her one step forward with two steps back. Eyewitnesses reportedly saw LiLo partying at Chateau Marmont, where she allegedly spent a lot of time running in and out of the bathroom and generally acting like a complete lunatic. RadarOnline reports:

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness told RadarOnline. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”

A second eyewitness tells us that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress, sans bra, on Sunday night: “was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night.”

A third eyewitness tells Radar: “Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein’s party – his was roped off and she didn’t get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate.”

Actually, this one shouldn’t be all that shocking, especially when you consider that this is pretty much Lindsay’s general pattern to a tee. Here’s how it works, based on years of me writing about her: Lindsay’s career is in the shitter, she gets a minor bump thanks to the bare minimum of hardwork, Lindsay rewards herself by completely blowing the tiny amount of good will she built up. This is like finding five bucks on the floor and then going out and buying a flat screen television on credit.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is a legal genius!

As some of you might remember, Lindsay Lohan got into some trouble a few years ago after she reportedly got into a physical altercation with Dawn Holland, a Betty Ford clinic worker, after she allegedly came back to rehab all drunk after a night of partying. Because I’m sure all that will totally change the public’s perception of her. Anyway, Holland finally filed a lawsuit against Lindsay, and Lindsay is fighting back claiming self-defense, because there’s no telling how much physical damage that breathalyzer test could have done to her. TMZ reports:

Lindsay allegedly got into it with Dawn Holland (now going by Dawn Bradley) back in December 2010, while Lindsay was in rehab. Bradley filed a lawsuit last July against Lohan for the alleged incident, claiming assault and battery. Attorneys for Lindsay filed their response in Riverside County Superior Court on January 10, claiming the entire incident was provoked by Bradley … so Lindsay shouldn’t have to pay her a cent. Lohan claims anything she may have done was done in self-defense. Lohan also wants the court to force Bradley to pay for her court costs, plus any other relief the court sees fit.

All right, I’m going to be fair here: did Holland milk her little Lindsay run-in way too much? Of course she did. But was she out of bounds for trying to make Lindsay take a breathalyzer test after she left rehab without permission, then came back later allegedly drunk? No, because that’s not what rehab is about. And I’m pretty sure claiming self-defense for attacking a rehab worker for trying to give you a breathalyzer test is pretty much one of the first pages in the crackie handbook. You know, after buying crack.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is getting sued again!

As some of you might remember, amidst all the other crazy stuff Lindsay Lohan has done, a couple years back Lindsay accidentally ran into a baby carriage with her car, which really was one of the few “holy shit, did this actually happen?” in my blogging career. Well, it looks like the Nanny who was pushing the carriage is finally suing Lindsay for unspecified damages, and somehow managed to find a witness who could actually detract from her “someone hit me and a baby with a car” defense. TMZ reports:

The accident occurred in September, 2010. TMZ broke the story … a witness claimed he saw Lindsay run a red light in her sports car in West Hollywood, hitting a nanny who was pushing a stroller across the intersection. The witness claimed 3 of the 4 wheels on the stroller became airborne. The child wasn’t injured but the nanny — Nubia Del Carmen Preza — claims she was, and that’s why she is suing. And get this … the witness told us, “She was in shock and Hispanic so she was scared.”

What? Why does the witness sound like a vaguely racist eight-year-old? I’m pretty sure if Lindsay plowed into anyone with her car, they’d be pretty freaked out, regardless of whether or not they were Hispanic. Unless I’m wrong and they are somehow more prone to being scared after being hit by a car. You really have to be the most incoherent witness ever to make me forget about the fact that Lindsay allegedly hit a baby stroller with her car.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan still needs an assistant?

Despite the fact that I don’t actually think her life is so busy and hectic as to require someone to constantly follow her around and do her bidding, Lindsay Lohan has decided that she needs a new assistant, because … no, actually, I really need to ask this. Why does Lindsay need an assistant? To carry around all the scripts she’s not reading? It’s not like Lindsay is actually working. Anyway, here’s TMZ with the blurb:

Sources close to Lindsay tell us she recently, and amicably, parted ways with her long suffering assistant Eleonore. We’re told Eleonore couldn’t keep up with Lindsay’s hectic life. Lindsay’s new assistant — a brave soul named Alexandra … who made her public debut at LiLo’s probation hearing last week (above). We’re told, at this point, she feels confident she can keep up with Linds.

Once again, Lindsay’s work life involves exactly two things: shuttling to court, and shuttling back from court. I think she honestly had maybe a couple photo shoots last year, and I could be wrong about that, but still, there’s no way she has so much work on her plate that she needs help. McDonald’s managers have more of a claim to a personal assistant than Lindsay, if only because they actually work.

Lindsay Lohan

Megan Fox and LiLo are fighting over Liz Taylor!

Remember how yesterday Lindsay Lohan was all like “I’m being considered for the part of Liz Taylor because I’m a respectable actress and a hard worker?” Yeah, about that … so it turns out Megan Fox is also up for the role, which should immediately tell you how the casting process is going on this one. Oh, and did we mention this is for a Lifetime original movie? Yeah, which means this movie will inevitably be held up to the high expectations of such luminary classics as My Stepson, My Lover and Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. The Huffington Post reports:

Lindsay Lohan may have gotten off the hook in court on Tuesday morning, but the actress is now facing a possibility scarier than jail time: Losing the role of Elizabeth Taylor to Megan Fox in the upcoming Lifetime movie Liz and Dick. Last week, The Hollywood Reporter confirmed that Lohan was in early talks to immortalize the Hollywood legend, but it was recently reported that the deal is far from done.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversation with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” the movie’s executive producer Larry Thompson told E! News. “It’s a very serious selection. It’s like casting Hollywood royalty.”

Ummm … this guy knows what “royalty” means, right? Because I’m pretty sure it means the exact opposite of casting either the star of the movie with the most Razzie awards of all time or the woman who called her director Hitler. Seriously, if Lindsay and Megan could be portraying Hollywood royalty, then clearly we’re living under the wrong goddamn crown.

Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox

Rickey.org Better By 30 OMG Blog KARL IS MY UNKLE
ArjanWrites I Don't Like You In That Way PopSugar Starcasm