Looper

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is really making a name for himself in widely released mindfucks. When he employed that paradox in Inception, director Rian Johnson must have just lost his shit. It does look like a good film in its own right, with JGL playing a futuristic assassin who kills people in the past. That is, until he is tasked with killing himself. While it is an intriguing idea, the amount of paradoxes in this film would have to be staggering. If they’re taking people into the past when time travel hasn’t been invented yet, won’t people in the past figure out soon enough? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of the whole system? In addition, are the targets being killed in the past or sent into the past to be killed? The latter would not create paradoxes, but the former would create a multitude of problems. Oh, old Joseph Gordon-Levitt is played by Bruce Willis, because that’s obviously where he’s going.

The Avengers

This clip contextualizes the trailer we looked at two weeks ago. Instead of supplementing the conversation with flashy clips, Loki and Tony Stark just talk. In many ways, this is stronger than that trailer. There is room for the conversation to breathe, and for Robert Downey Jr.’s humor to actually come through. His casual description of The Avengers is fantastic. Equally fantastic? That apartment. The only new information this clip provides us is that Tony Stark needs to wear metal bracelets for some reason. Perhaps they serve the same purpose as the palladium core in Iron Man 2, but the way they’re presented in this clip would hint more at their ability to deter Loki from doing … something. I don’t know what, especially given how amorphous Loki’s powers are. Still, look out for those bracelets. They’re important or something.

Brave

More Pixar! This clip treats us to more of the great Scottish brogues and introduces our protagonist in a more thorough manner. It begins with the whole “perfect family to the world, screwed up in reality” cliché, but I suppose that’s fine. Princess Merida feels that her parents are too restrictive, from the way she keeps her hair to the clothes she wears. Again, there’s nothing new with the themes here. Unfortunately, her attempt at change unleashed a curse that could destroy everything (naturally), and the only way to avoid that fate is for her to be brave. It’s not the most inventive trailer, but it’ll do for now.

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

Total Recall

The week’s marquee trailer, and it’s a strong one. It sets up the confusion and excitement of the movie without really giving anything away. I can’t comment on its relationship to the original, having not seen it, but this certainly looks good. I, too, am wondering what is real. Between good Kate Beckinsale and bad Beckinsale, who do you trust? I’ll take either over Jessica Biel, who only needs two seconds of a movie trailer to prove she isn’t believable in whatever role she’s in. Meanwhile, this should be a solid role for Colin Farrell. He gets to be the action guy, and confusion suits him. Just watch it, it’s fun.

Savages

BLAKE LIVELY IS DOING AN ACCENT EVERYONE. That’s the part of the trailer that makes sense at least. After that, everything is unclear. As best I can tell, she is in a relationship with both of the men (Aaron Johnson and Taylor Kitsch) who run a marijuana dispensary. It’s totally on the up-and-up (except for the 1% Kitsch apparently needs to handle with violence), so naturally a Mexican cartel needs to come in and screw it up. Our entrepreneurs politely decline a proposed business arrangement, which enrages the cartel to unfathomable levels. Because both men are in a relationship with the same girl, kidnapping her would give the cartel total leverage. They do just that, which prompts the hippies (I mean, look at that hair) to take down an entire cartel. This is unbelievable on about eight different levels.

There’s also some salty dialogue between Lively and apparent cartel boss Salma Hayek, who appears to only be in this movie for the money.

You’ve probably heard about this trailer for the threesome, but if that’s the reason you’re going to watch it, don’t even bother. There’s a little skin, but it’s impossible to determine if a threesome is even going on.

To Rome With Love

This trailer is all over the place, and no storyline is covered enough to really get a sense of it from this trailer. What I can say, however, is that having Jesse Eisenberg in a Woody Allen movie might deliver more combined neuroticism and angst than anyone can handle.

Ted

A movie set in my hometown! This trailer goes from clichéd to amusingly weird very quickly. The Thunder Song immediately proves that Seth MacFarlane’s comedy can translate to live-action. “Guess the white trash name” is an example of MacFarlane staying with a joke a little too long, but once again it paid off. It’s also another trope he’s carried over from Family Guy. In all, it’s quite funny, but it leaves a major question. While it’s great that Ted drinks, smokes, and is a womanizer, the trailer doesn’t really explain what he is. Is he reanimated? Is he a person Mark Wahlberg sees as a stuffed animal? How are they so attached if he shows such an ability to exist on his own?

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

The Dictator

Wait … this is a fish out of water movie? Anna Faris is in it too? Did she get cast last week? What’s going on? I was getting excited for an hour and a half of possibly racist caricatures of various Middle Eastern dictators. This trailer frames that as just being the prologue to General Aladeen’s (Sacha Baron Cohen) trip to speak at the UN. Once there, he’s taken captive by … Homeland Security? Instead of interrogating him, they cut off his beard and release him back into the city. Besides the multitude of issues that must pose in relation to the Geneva Convention, how could that possible make sense as a counter-terrorism strategy? I am befuddled, and we’re only halfway through the trailer. Instead of finding his way back to his hotel, Aladeen gets a job at a store, and hilarity allegedly ensues. This is a very strange turn, and is only saved by the repartee in the helicopter at the end.

House At The End Of The Street

I’ve been all in on Jennifer Lawrence for some time, so I would’ve been excited for this trailer even if it didn’t arrive amidst The Hunger Games supernova. So, by releasing this trailer this week it’ll get picked apart far more than is normal. While there isn’t a lot to pick apart, there’s also not a lot to highlight. It seems to be a fairly straightforward plot, “there was a double murder in this house, now the inhabitants of that house are haunted.” While the presence of chloroform at the beginning hints that there is something more nefarious than ghosts going on, that could just be because the ghosts are demanding payment or something. I don’t know. Not helping the trailer’s cause is that it goes backwards chronologically as it progresses. That’s some Memento shit there! But not really. Going backwards just makes the trailer more confusing, and that’s not a good thing for a trailer to be.

People Like Us

Look at that, another Hunger Games person had a trailer come out this week. I can’t imagine the chances of that, although I’m excited for the trailer for Wes Bentley’s one-man show to come out next week. This is a weird one, insomuch as it plays up the potential incest angle far more than is socially acceptable. Chris Pine is some sort of high-powered whatever, but he’s also mired in some sort of intractable debt. Student loans? Poor investments? Drug connections? Whatever it is, he apparently needs to pay it off immediately. Enter the deus ex machina that is his father’s death. Pine is bequeathed $150,000, which is apparently enough to cover his debt. Instead of immediately covering said debt though, he waits long enough that he learns he has a half-sister, played by Elizabeth Banks. They interact for a while, and he assures her that he will never hit on her. This is reasonable because they’re half-siblings, except at that point she doesn’t know that they’re half-siblings. He doesn’t want to tell her, because he wants to keep the money. Instead, they become engaged in some sort of pseudo-romance, despite the fact that he is going out with Olivia Wilde (criminally underused in this trailer). Now, the issue is that he finds out he has a half-sister who needs money at the precise moment he gets enough money to pay off all of his own debt. Why does he need to pay it off immediately? He makes almost $90,000 a year, can’t he spread his debt out over a few years? Also, if the money came from his father’s estate, why wasn’t it given to him at the will reading where he learned of Banks’ existence? Furthermore, how did being at that reading not clue her in to his existence? His money HAD to have been mentioned, right? Isn’t that what wills are for? Was it some sort of secret stash of money? What possible reason could there be for that to exist?

Rise of The Guardians

Jesus fucking holy hell, what is this? First of all, it has nothing to do with the owls of Ga’Hoole. Instead, it seems to indicate that the Easter Bunny, Sandman, Santa Claus, and Tooth Fairy are fighting the Boogeyman and are somehow benevolent overseers of the world’s children? Why are we deputizing these holiday barons? Even more, how is this a children’s movie if it features a bunch of characters kids think are real doing patently not-real things? I can’t even handle this. Let’s move on.

The Avengers

Teaser trailers don’t get much better than this. Focused primarily on a conversation between Loki and Tony Stark, it lays out everything there is to expect, highlights all of the film’s principles, and alludes to the film’s plot without really giving anything away. Tom Hiddleston is deliciously evil while Robert Downey Jr. is as charismatic as usual. On top of that, we get to see what Loki’s army looks like. Apparently, the enemies in The Avengers will be the prawns from District 9 once they’ve returned to their home world to hit the gym for a while. Also, they have gold crowns for some reason. All around, this is a great trailer. Watch it on loop.

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

Snow White and The Huntsman

My gosh is this a good trailer. It opens with Charlize Theron’s Queen Ravenna taking a bath in milk while another kingdom falls to her glory. This is all presumably a precursor to her calling that kingdom’s own queen to her and killing her by absorbing her life force/beauty. Obviously, she needs to keep doing this, or else they wouldn’t need to keep conquering kingdoms. It also means this trailer has the stage for this film’s conflict in twenty-five seconds. That’s really impressive.

Moving on, we see that the mirror on her wall takes the shape of a bronze oracle, which shows just how much this movie is its own story, as opposed to a faithful adaptation. That’s awesome. Bronze Oracle Mirror then informs Ravenna that if she eats Snow White’s heart, she’ll live forever. Not pulling any punches, are they?

While I have some issues with the idea that Kristen Stewart could be the fairest lady in an entire enchanted world, she is rough enough around the edges that she is a fit for this movie. Lily Collins could not play this role.

Chris Hemsworth’s (It’s a good week for Hemsworths) Huntsman is then enlisted (under pain of death?) to search the Dark Forest for Snow White. He does, and almost immediately switches allegiances. Hey Queen Ravenna – honey over vinegar. Then, it becomes apparent that Snow White will be the one to end the darkness. Well, obviously.

Then, we hear the line from Ravenna that encompasses this trailer perfectly, “I should have killed her when she was a child. I need her heart beating with blood.” Dark re-imagining, indeed. It takes a lovely fairy tale and energetically fills it with evil. Fantastic.

The Host

This is how you make a teaser trailer! I have next to no idea what’s going on and yet I am ready to see this movie. It builds tension and highlights the gravitas of the situation by slowly moving the Earth in front of the Sun while the narrator gives a creepy, extra-breathy explanation of how the world has become a utopia. This is a strong opening, and becomes many degrees better when it becomes apparent that we may not be responsible for this perfection and that we need to fight for our survival as a species. This is reflected in the ubiquitous rings in the eyes of people all over the world, rings that mimic the Earth eclipsing the Sun. It’s a nice, tight trailer that gives nothing away. Are we the hosts? Did the parasites we’re hosting cause the world’s perfection? Are they opportunists who waited until we did it ourselves? Is the Earth the host? Has everyone been infected? Moreover, it gives me joy to learn that Stephenie Meyer spells her name like a crazy person.

Breaking Dawn, Part 2

Looks like she’s getting the last laugh this week though. I honestly thought we were done with these. As a person who’s not seen any of the movies or read any of the books, it has everything I’ve come to expect from these films: beautiful landscapes, people moving swiftly through forests, Taylor Lautner’s stilted reading of mediocre lines, and … commentary on the pleasure of being the same temperature? It kills me to know that this is because Edward had to vampirize Bella her to save her life. I CANNOT ESCAPE YOU, POPULAR CULTURE.

Prometheus

Meanwhile, the Prometheus people tried to oversaturate the market by releasing to trailers this week. Supply and demand people. I’m not going to give them the satisfaction though, and am going to treat the UK and Wondercon trailers as if they were a single cut. Thankfully, they cover much of the same material.

This trailer provides us with the film’s back story – many of our ancient civilizations had art that pointed to the same constellation, so we need to investigate that part of the galaxy. Obviously. A team is commissioned to go to space, and when they arrive wherever it is they’ve arrived, they find some all sorts of evidence to indicate that going there was the right idea. They also get attacked by what is, based on this trailer, a sentient cloud of organisms capable of burrowing into the skin, causing madness, hemorrhaging, and piloting a ship to Earth. Basically, going to this planet is like opening Pandora’s Box.

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz

Prometheus

A trailer for a trailer? What the hell is this? There was already a theatrical trailer, and this teaser barely builds off it. It fails at effectively teasing the movie, and isn’t the point of a teaser to build anticipation? You can’t go back and forth on something like this. The order is all wrong. With all of that in mind, what is this video really teasing? There’s a ship flying to planet. That ship lands on the planet, and a few vehicles leave it to explore the surface. Then, we see individuals exploring, some strange energy orbs flying down a tunnel, and general chaos. This chaos takes us through to the end of the teaser, but consists almost entirely of footage or events we’ve already seen. The only new element is the red orbs. Is that what I’m supposed to be excited about? “Ooh, I can’t wait to see two more seconds of a thing that won’t make sense out of context anyway!”

The Avengers

This is the Japanese trailer, so you’ll have to wade through a little Japanese voice-over. Amusingly, there is no word in Japanese for Avengers. The trailer itself rehashes many of the beats of previous trailers (The Avengers don’t like each other, etc.), but throws in a few carrots. The most notable of these is the realization that Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts will be in this film. To me though, the most important part of the trailer is that Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye is finally allowed to speak. He’s only an Avenger, for goodness sakes. A couple other nuggets: Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury shoots a bazooka and Cobie Smulders also gets to speak for the first time. It’s definitely a trailer worth seeing, if for nothing else than to hear the Japanese VO guy say, “Avengers.”

Battleship

I bet they released this trailer this week to capitalize on John Carter (zing!). Since this was my lasting impression of the previous trailer, I didn’t have any idea what to expect from this trailer. It begins with a scene reminiscent of (but ¼ as interesting as) the operation scene in Independence Day. Some random violence ensues, along with the revelation that Hong Kong is the city that is being destroyed. I suppose a person with knowledge of international skylines would already know that, but I am not that person. After causing me to worry about the effect Hong Kong’s destruction will have on the world’s economy, this trailer of course culminates with an exchange between both of Friday Night Lights’ representatives in this film.

Landry: ”What are your orders?”

Riggins: “We’re not going down without a fight.”

Oh, I thought you would sit there placidly as you were exterminated. My bad. On the bright side, Rihanna is able to show off her acting chops with the fantastically-written, “Boom!” I’m pretty sure her songs have more depth than this movie.

Quick recap: an unconscionable number of explosions combined with Taylor Kitsch’s lackadaisical charisma. It’ll probably be a serviceable action movie, but I’m not expecting anything special.

(That’s right, I just did a recap in a recap. Take that, teaser for a trailer people!)

Dan Spritz / Cherry On Top / @DanSpritz