Paris Hilton is still sad about her infamous sex tape!

You’d figure seven years down the line, Paris Hilton would have probably gotten over the fact she had to release a sex tape just to make people forget she’s a contemptible, talentless wench long enough to make her famous, right? But HAHA! You completely misunderstand how these things work. Now that Paris has another reality show (I’m assuming because scripts make the mushy-mush in her head feel owey) she’s back to talking about how that sex tape she purposely leaked and signed for was a total accident that ruined her life.

“When I was a little girl I looked up to these people like Princess Diana and these women and I think and he took that away from me. This is not what I planned, I didn’t want to be known as that,” she said emotionally. “Now when people look at me they think I’m something I’m not just because of one incident one night with someone I was in love with. People assume, ‘Oh she’s a slut,’ just because of one thing that happened to me. It’s hard because I’ll never…I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life and explain it to my children, it’s something that has changed my life forever and I’ll never be able to erase it.” SOURCE

Hey, you know what would have made that whole sex tape thing just up and disappear? Not signing the release form and then subsequently providing two valid pieces of government issued ID necessary to release a sex tape onto the market with your express, legal consent. But clearly, it’s a little too late for that now, so by all means, keep pretending that sex tape isn’t the one and only aspect of your career that can even come close to be considered a contribution to society. Specifically, a society that likes tiny, pancake titties and boring sex.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton’s pink Bentley got wrecked!

Remember that dumbass pink Bentley Paris Hilton got for basically being a useless, vapid bitch? Remember how she paraded it around, completely oblivious to the fact that it more or less represented everything people hated about her? Well, prepare for a little karmic justice: The damn thing just got trashed by someone driving around in one of her other cars. All together now: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sources close to Hilton tell us — the unnamed driver was trying to back the SUV out of Paris’ Hollywood Hills mansion … when they hit P’s pink Bentley, which was parked in front of the home. Total cost for repairs — $5,000.  Checking your rear view mirror — priceless. SOURCE

Just in case it hasn’t been made perfectly clear enough, this is pretty much the greatest thing ever. If it weren’t for the fact that it was intangible and that such a thing was probably illegal, I would literally marry the schadenfreude emanating from this picture. Although next time Paris Hilton wrecks one of her cars, would it kill her to be inside it at the time? … Oh it would? All the better then.

Paris Hilton

Paris and Lindsay are BFFs again?

Remember how last week, Paris Hilton made a crack about Lindsay Lohan‘s love of stealing jewelry on her terrible reality show? And then Lindsay got whatever slutty undergarments she’s currently wearing in a twist? Well, the feud is off! Paris apologized to Lindsay or some shit, and now the two of them are best frenemies forever, or at least until one of them makes a catty comment about the other and they start trying to tear each other’s jugular veins out.

Hilty issued a public apology last week to Lilo, and a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com exclusively, “Paris felt terrible about what she said about Lindsay. She meant it as a harmless joke. Paris conveyed to Lindsay that she was genuinely sorry, and she didn’t mean to hurt her in any way. “Lindsay was very receptive to Paris’ apology. Lindsay felt that Paris was truly being genuine and sincere. The girls have known each other a long time. Lindsay wants to have lunch with Paris and hang out with her,” the insider tells us. “All is good now between the girls.” SOURCE

All right, now let’s take a look at all the ways this is a total crock of shit. First, Paris Hilton is incapable of feeling sorry, or feeling any sort of genuine emotion that isn’t about herself. Number two, Paris Hilton cannot be sincere. She tried one time and sprained the part of her brain responsible for not being a selfish bitch. Third, Paris and Lindsay don’t eat lunch. HA! Eating. You’re kidding me right? Lindsay once swallowed a slice of lemon used to garnish one of her drinks, but that’s about it.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton

Yup, the Paris vs. Lindsay feud is on!

Never one to let a joke about her roll off her shoulders, Lindsay Lohan is hitting back at Paris Hilton after Paris took a jab at Lindsay on her new reality show, despite the fact that no one will watch Paris’ show because it looks goddamn AWFUL. So basically, a tree fell in the woods and no one really heard it, but Lindsay wants you to know what a bitch Paris is.

Lindsay Lohan is pissed off with Paris Hilton — claiming the shot Hilton fired at LiLo on a reality show was just plain “mean.” Lindsay is telling friends, “[Paris] is mean. You don’t have to make fun of serious matters in people’s lives to be funny.” SOURCE

Hilty versus LiLo … my God, it’s the biggest feud of 2004! Holy crap, at this point, just let them beat the crap out of each other. I mean really, what’s the worst that could happen? If Osama bin Laden’s death has taught us anything, it’s that we can all unite in the face of a vanquished enemy that is trying to destroy America. Now I’m not saying Paris Hilton is as bad as the mastermind behind 9/11, all I’m saying is that The Rock and Seal 6 are currently stationed right outside her window.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton took a shot at Lindsay Lohan!

Oh joy, it’s slutty, blonde, has-been pot versus slutty, blonde, has-been kettle. Anyway, on her shitty show on the Oxygen network (HAHAHAHAHA!) that will probably get canceled after a couple episodes, Paris Hilton makes a big show about “volunteering” to help the homeless because she loves “giving back”, and when she gives a woman her earrings only to be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan, Paris makes a crack about her theft charges. Har-dee-har-har.

Homeless woman: I’m going to give them to my sister as soon as I get back to Oklahoma. And I’m going to tell them that Lind- Lindsay?
Paris: I’m not her.
Homeless woman: Aren’t you supposed to be in rehab?
Paris: No, I’m not Lindsay. If I were Lindsay, I’d be stealing the earrings, not giving them away. SOURCE

So basically, Paris pretended to volunteer to help the homeless and gave someone a pair of two dollar earrings so that she could get in a pot shot at Lindsay. Yeah, nicely done, bitch. Maybe next time you can write a fake check to help Tornado relief in the south so you can get in a dig at Britney Spears. “If I were Britney, I’d just be spending this money on Frappuccinos and dance doubles.”

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits’ attacker is going to jail!

Despite cementing his status as an American hero by attacking Paris Hilton and her stupid boyfriend, Cy Waits, the man who attacked them, James Rainford, has been sentenced to 227 days in jail for misdemeanor battery. On the plus side, this is Los Angeles so chances are he’ll probably only spend a couple hours in there before – oh wait, I just remembered, he’s not Lindsay Lohan. Never mind.

Earlier today, James Rainford pled no contest to misdemeanor battery for allegedly smacking Cy Waits in the back of the head as the couple walked into the Van Nuys Courthouse. Rainford was already on probation stemming from an incident at Hilton’s pad last year — and today, the judge threw the book at him.In addition to the jail time, Rainford was sentenced to three years informal probation and ordered to stay away from Waits once he’s released. SOURCE

So here’s what confuses me: Lindsay can get into a cocaine-fueled car chase, take three people hostage in said car, hit a baby with ANOTHER car, punched a rehab worker after getting drunk, then stole a necklace, and she pretty much got fuck and all for it. Meanwhile, someone attacks the two people in America who most deserve to be punched to death, and he gets thrown in jail for 227 days. I’m calling bullshit on this one.

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits were attacked!

Yesterday, Paris Hilton and her loser boyfriend, Cy Waits went to court to face the man who tried to break into her place with a knife last year. Because God has a fantastic sense of ironic humor, on their way inside the courthouse, a man lunged at Waits and grabbed him by the neck, and when he was detained by police, said that he was engaged to Paris Hilton. Oh my God, this is just … it’s like shooting fish in a barrel with a goddamn rocket launcher.

Our guy at the scene says Paris and Cy were walking into the courthouse moments ago when a man “lunged” at Cy …  then grabbed him by the neck. We’re told the couple’s security team took down the attacker, who is currently being detained by police. After the attack, the man — who we’ve now identified as James Rainford — tells photographers he recently proposed to Paris … and that she accepted. So, yeah. SOURCE

Why would anyone try and use the excuse that they’re engaged to Paris to defend themselves? Why not just come right out and say something like “I attacked Paris because she’s fucking Paris Hilton.” Honestly, I don’t know a single judge in the entire world who wouldn’t take that excuse and run with it. “In the case of The People vs. Paris Hilton, I find Ms. Hilton guilty of being terrible and having a face you just want to stick a boot in. *Slams the gavel down on Paris’ face* Case dismissed!”

Paris Hilton and Cy Waits

Sarah Shahi hates Paris Hilton as much as you do!

So apparently, some time over the Easter weekend, Fairly Legal actress Sarah Shahi almost got hit by Paris Hilton‘s car, and then everyone’s least favorite drunk blonde whore then proceeded to run through a stop sign, because apparently road rules do not apply to you when you’re rich and have the IQ of a brick trying to fuck a rock. Anyway, Sarah decided to do the world a favor and call her out on Twitter for basically being Hitler, but with smaller tits.

Paris Hilton – worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. what if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb bitch

Paris Hilton – horrible excuse for a human being

What an irresponsible person … What a lame existence …

I wouldn’t be as pissed if I wasn’t a mom

“One more thing blonde piece of shit – you’re not an elitist just because you have money. You should apologize … To humanity.” now i’m done. SOURCE

Okay, so granted this isn’t really anything that various other gossip blogs and I haven’t said about fifty bajillion times over, but it’s always fun to hear it coming from the mouth of someone famous. It’s good to know that someone, somewhere out there who’s actually rich and important hates Paris and wants her to die too. I’m not kidding. If Paris were hit by a meteorite, I would literally cum so hard it would blow a hole in the wall … of the building on the other side street.

Sarah Shahi

Paris Hilton is a lying liar who tells lies!

When most celebrities drop off the face of the earth, they usually have the decency to at least stay down in obscurity. But not Paris Hilton! No, this bitch just doesn’t know when to just stay metaphorically dead. Anyway, it turns out the bitch is being sued by an insurance company for not returning $60,000 worth of jewelery she had borrowed, so now she’s going around telling everyone that it was all stolen and then pawned off. Riiiiiight.

Paris and her BF Cy Waits were on their way in to Boa last night … when PH told us, “[The Burglar Bunch] pawned everything that was real … they only gave me back the costume stuff.” It’s a BIG STATEMENT — because just last week, Hilton was sued by an insurance company for not returning $60,000 in jewelry she borrowed from Damiani Jewellers back in 2007 … jewelry that was jacked from Hilton’s home by the Burglar Bunch. The company thinks Hilton is LYING about not being in possession of the bling — because they believe cops recovered the Damiani pieces and gave it back to Paris … who then FAILED to give it back to Damiani. The company also alleges Hilton agreed to keep the jewelry in a safe when she wasn’t wearing it … but instead of locking it up, Paris simply tucked it away in her closet. SOURCE

Nicely done, whore. You either flat-out stole the jewelery (which, let’s be honest, is really up this horrible, horrible bitch’s alley) or you just didn’t bother following the agreement you two made and now you’re out of $60,000 worth of shiny shit. No, really, well done skankwad. Though to be fair, that jewelery was physically touching Paris Hilton at some point. Like, it was on her skin. I mean really, once someone or something has touched Paris Hilton without some form of protective barrier, isn’t it pretty much ruined forever? Exactly.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is desperate to stay relevant!

Allow me to preface this post with the following PSA to the guy who insists on keeping Paris Hilton in front of the camera: I will find you, and I will cut you (technically, it’s not a threat if you’re actually planning on doing it!) Anyway, Paris is about to launch her new reality TV show on Oxygen, since she’s no longer famous enough to air it on a real channel, which means it’s time for a bullshit PR spiel! Yay!

“Definitely this is the first time I’ve ever showed so much on a show. I’ve never let this much access and cameras into my life. So, they’re really gonna get to see everything from my family relationship to my relationship with my boyfriend,” she continued. “I think people are just gonna be surprised to see a Paris that they’ve never seen before. I think everyone is so used to seeing me on the red carpet and kind of the party lifestyle, but in the show they’re gonna get to see what happens behind closed doors when no one’s around. [They’ll] get to see the Paris that my friends and family know.” SOURCE

All right, it’s time to decode this with the patented PopBytes Bullshit-To-Actual-Human-Speech translator! Let me just set this to “racist, vapid, soulless has-been”, aaaaaaaaaand …

“Same old shit, different day. The only difference is that now whenever I ‘accidentally’ flash my vag at the camera, they’ll use a different censor image. Oh, and my family and boyfriends are in it too, because I’m going to show that bitch Kim Kardashian how a real, talentless fame-whore does it!”

And before I cap this off, one last zing:

Paris explained that her new show allows fans a real look into her life – including her romance with boyfriend NAME.

Yes, her boyfriend NAME. That is a quote, in no way edited, pulled from Access Hollywood. They’ve literally stopped even trying or caring to remember the name of whoever Paris Hilton’s fucking. At this point, they’re just like “All right, fuck it, who’s in Paris’ vagina this week? Anyone? Fuck it, just throw NAME up there, we’ll replace it when we figure out the douchebag’s name.”

Paris Hilton

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