I almost feel like I should put the word “earned” in quotation marks … oh well, coulda shoulda woulda. In news that I have no doubt will fill you with the kind of all-consuming rage unseen since LeAnn Rimes accidentally consumed the other half of the Tic Tac she was having for lunch, Paris Hilton told FHM that she’s earned $1.3 BILLION since 2005 thanks to her many product lines. Hey, remember that famewhore tax I mentioned yesterday that would help fund schools? Yeah. Via Us Weekly:

“I’m involved in my products every step of the way. My fragrances are doing really well at the moment,” Hilton tells FHM UK‘s January issue. “They’ve produced more than $1.3 billion in revenue since 2005. I have 35 stores and 17 product lines. And then there’s my racing team, my 14 fragrances and my new project, the Paris Hilton Beach Club chain. The first one is opening in the Philippines soon. It’s going to have nightclubs, restaurants, bars, gyms. Everything really.”

I want you to just conceptualize this real quick: not only did Paris Hilton somehow manage to land seventeen product lines, but enough people actually looked at her and thought “yes, I want to be like whatever that is someday!” to pretty much give her more money than the GDP of most countries. Also: how does Paris have fourteen fragrances? I didn’t think you could put the smell of misanthropy and skank into fourteen different bottles and sell them to gullible morons, but clearly I thought wrong.

Do you remember famewhore Paris Hilton? She used to be famous – Oh, wait, scratch that. She used to think she was famous and society sort of just went along with it because we are nothing if not generous to delusional whores (See: Kardashian, any of them). Anyway, it seems that instead of moving back to Obscurityville, CA, she shacked up in a gated community, where everyone is treating her the way we used to: with thinly veiled disdain for her and her sluttery. RadarOnline reports:

“Paris’ parties are legendary. She always goes all out. Non-invited guests that were going to visit other people’s houses had to wait almost 35 minutes in line on a Wednesday night, just to get into to see the person they were going to visit. Paris does provide valet parking for party guests, and this clogs the streets around her house. Paris is the neighbor from hell,” an insider tells RadarOnline. “Paris had proven to be at that point, very disrespectful to her neighbors, with the loud parties, and constant stream of people coming and going from her house, and let’s not forget the criminal element that has besieged Paris since she moved in. Her house was burglarized multiple times, she had a knife wielding stalker that tried to break into her house.”

It should be noted that Paris Hilton’s neighbors include Slash, Denise Richards, and Charlie Sheen. And guess what? EVERYONE LIKES THEM BETTER. You know you’re a loud, slutty, coked-up mess when people can look at the guy who once tried to build his own fortress of solitude out of crystal meth and bronzed hookers and said “Yeah, that guy is a way better neighbor than Paris, the shrieking slut beast who used to be famous but isn’t anymore.”

What’s a famous whore to do when they’ve successfully bombed their career through a combination of cocaine and self-absorption? They become a DJ! Seriously, I’ve seen it first hand, and according to TMZ, the latest former-celebrity to jump on the bandwagon is Paris Hilton since let’s face it, it’s not like she has any other skills to fall back on other than being able to press “play” on her iPod.

Sources close to P tell TMZ … Hilton has been traveling the world to shadow some super-famous DJs to get some guidance for her upcoming house music album. We’re told Hilton has become pretty tight with HUGE names like Afrojack and Deadmau5 — and even plans to appear on stage with Deadmau5 in the near future. One source extremely close to the heiress tells us, Hilton’s been told by the best in the biz she could become the “Queen of house music” — because “no woman has ever taken over in that arena … and she wants to become that person.”

Oh joy, because what the world really need was another has-been drug addict playing terrible music from their iPod while being paid way too much fucking money for it. Although God help the poor girl if anyone ever locks the iPod on her. “What the- Why won’t the music play? How do I turn it on? Oh God… Without my iPod, everyone will realize I’m just a talentless, narcissistic hack with no actual life skills whatsoever! AIIIIIIIIIIIE! *Jumps out a window*”