hey kiddies – read on below from our amazing race columnist jon (he was absent last week!) – it’s a bit long – but that is because it was a 2-hour episode – and an exciting one at that! (i prefer hourly shows though – 2 hrs can be a bit hefty at night) thanks again mr. jon! and thank heavens ray and deana left! he sucked!

PART ONE

Rob and Amber depart at 3 AM followed thereafter by the other teams. The
clue: fly to Johannesburg, South Africa. There, find the marked cars
containing your next clue. In that clue, teams are instructed to go to
the detour or take the first Fast Forward. Rob and Amber and Ray and
Deana both go for the fast forward, but Ray and Deana snag it forcing
Rob and Amber to go for the detour.



The detour is Tunnels or Tribes. In tunnels, teams must search through
a cave to find their next clue. In Tribes, teams give items to different
tribes to get their next clue. Tribes also comes with a bunch of creepy
men who make weird laughing noises at Lynn and Alex.



Tribes: Lynn and Alex; Rob and Amber. Everyone else does tunnels.



Gretchen scrapes her head open and bleeds all over the place. Meredith
almost has a heart attack, but continues searching for the clue.
Everyone gets the clue and gets to the roadblock, where they must buy
items for an orphanage. Ray and Deana check in at the pit stop (having
won the fast forward) and win two nice looking cars. Jerks.



Everyone buys their children’s toys and Rob and Amber find a fan. She
follows them everywhere and even checks into the pit stop with them.
Isn’t that illegal? Wasn’t Jonathan of Jonathan and Victoria forced to
get rid of his little gang last season when they were eliminated? Or was
that because everyone was doing a modified version of Hitler’s salute? Hmm.



At the roadblock: Kelly, Greg, Lynn, Amber, Uchenna, and Gretchen. They
complete the roadblock and go off to the orphanage where there is
happiness. And then teams go to the pit stop. And then it goes like
this: Ray and Deana; Ron and Kelly; Brian and Greg; Lynn and Alex; Rob
and Amber; and finally Meredith and Gretchen who are NOT eliminated but
get this–have their possessions taken away from them (and of course,
their money). That’s a good twist, show!



PART TWO

We start part two with even more happy music. Some day I would just like
for one of the city introductions to be filled with dark, emo music just
so I can say, well…I don’t know. “What’s up with this music,” maybe.



The clue instructs the teams to drive to a lion and rhino camp where
they will feed lions. There are two times at which they may feed the
beasts: 8 am and 9 am. Ray and Deana, Ron and Kelly, and Brian and Greg
grab the 8 am spot.



There’s lots of eating, lots of fighting over chunks of meat, and lots
of getting of clues. Both groups finish the task.



Speaking of which–the clue says to fly to Gaborone or something and
take a train/bus/modes of transport to find the Giant Aardvark. I think
Rob pronounced that as “arnvark” or something else but I cannot
remember. Nor can I read my notes. God, you need to stop chicken
scratching, Jon.



At the airport, there are two flight times. Ron and Kelly, Brian and
Greg, Ray and Deana and Uchenna and Joyce get the noon flight departure
time while everyone else is on the 1:35 PM flight.



At wherevertheywentto, teams get to the train station and discover the
train leaves at 9 PM, which means a big bunch of bunching. People sit
around and wait.



So they’re at wherever they need to be and it’s a roadblock. The task
is to complete a hunting training exercise: throwing a spear at a moving
bag while a man in traditional thong claps strangely and is being called
“Yoda” by Brian and Greg. Ron, Rob, Ray, Meredith, Joyce, Brian, and
Lynn take on the task and they all complete it.



The clue, now, says to drive to Xau Xarra, which causes the teams to go
into fits of mispronunciation. While driving with their little
humvee/four by fours/whatever they’re driving, Brian and Greg FLIP their
car and we go to commercial with bodies on the ground, broken glass, and
an open hood. Uh oh.



Lynn and Alex agree with me, and they stop to see if everything is all
right. The camera guy is injured and looks identical to my neighbour.
His head rests on some lady’s lap. He has his eyes closed. Brian and
Greg are extremely freaked out and hope it isn’t over.



Everyone whizzes by and Lynn and Alex leave the scene of the crime.
They all get to the detour: food or water. In food, they will have to
pound down on corn to make it very fine. In water, they will need to
suck up water and fill 12 large eggs with it. Everyone does the food
task except for Rob and Amber and Brian and Greg. Rob takes off his
shirt and confirms to the world that he will never be a stripper.



In the end, it’s a race to the finish line between Brian and Greg and
Ray and Deana. Ray has been pissing me off this entire episode. He keeps
on making uncalled for comments about Meredith and Gretchen’s age. Like,
dude, you have grey hair yourself. Shove it. He also keeps on barking
and Deana. Shut up, asshole. Shut the fuck up. And that’s my only swear
for these recaps. In the end, God hears my cries and eliminates Ray and
Deana after an extremely nerve wracking foot race between the bros and
the…crows? I dunno, I wanted to rhyme.



Order of arrival: Ron and Kelly; Rob and Amber; Uchenna and Joyce; Lynn
and Alex; Meredith and Gretchen; Brian and Greg (their camera guy is
fine, says Phil!); Ray and Deana.



Next week: I don’t know! I didn’t catch the previews. But it’s bound to
be great!